


Considerare // Desiderare

by Absinok



Category: Dangan Ronpa, Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Another Episode, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Identities, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood and Violence, Free Time Spoilers, Identity Issues, Identity Swap, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Introspection, M/M, Mental Instability, Post-Despair, Self-Reflection, Self-cest, Sexual Content, Spoilers, Stripper Komaeda
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-04-01 20:40:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4033858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Absinok/pseuds/Absinok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Considerare: to contemplate the star.<br/>Desiderare: to wish for the star's presence and regret its absence.</p><p>Both are roots of the desire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Demi romanticism

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter focuses on Komaeda and his relationship with Hinata.  
> Komaeda is demi romantic and hella insecure.

Komaeda never questioned why he was so fucked up before coming to the island. It was simple, it was a fact that had to be accepted because it wouldn't change. His mind was screwed, and they would keep calling him crazy.

It never occurred to him he should wonder what even was wrong with him before having to confront the Ultimates.

It was frightening how different they were.

It was also disturbing to notice how much he had diverged from the social norm, after being withdrawn for so many years. But he never wanted to ask himself before why it had been necessary to cut short every single interaction with others before.

And now he is confused.

\-----

He likes to think the reason why romantic love seems to be such an alien concept for him is because he already feels a deep mix of admiration and fondness for all the Ultimates. 

He doesn't ask himself why it's so easy for him to claim he loves all of them without having any particular boundary with them. He doesn't wonder what romantic love could be, because it doesn't matter. 

It isn't a relevant information in the situation they are. Besides, Komaeda rarely found love sensible. Someone might tell him – “of course it isn't it's a feeling from the heart” - but really, how could such feelings matter when you're about to kill or to get killed?

Komaeda pretends the reason why he rejects the sole idea of bearing such feelings for anybody was for his own safety. It sounds as a lame excuse even to himself though. When did he start to care for his life? He decides he is bad at lying to himself.

\-----

Then Hinata overcrosses the boundaries and shoves in his face the idea that the reason why it's so difficult for him to understand love is because he missed it in his entire childhood.

This is surprisingly far harder to ignore – because who cares after all, himself doesn't matter – or brush it off than Komaeda might have thought.

Maybe because he grew too close to Hinata already.

Or maybe because he hates pity but Hinata isn't being sympathetic, acting as if he was sorry. Hinata doesn't pretend, unlike himself.

Hinata knows what love can be.

Hinata doesn't carry the burden of a stupid fear. How easy it must be for him. But thinking this is so selfish Komaeda rejects the idea immediately. It's unfair. He doesn't know Hinata.

It's not because the other isn't sending messages of desperation that he is alright. Like Komaeda isn't.

\-----

When Hinata starts acting strangely around him, Komaeda panics. He uses the most pathetic defense he ever had – the last thing that could protect him from someone that doesn't mean to hurt him but does it anyway – and install an atmosphere of cold rejection between them. 

The more he's distant with Hinata, the less the other request his presence that isn't so nice. 

It works out like Komaeda planned. But he isn't satisfied.

It does not matter though, whether he likes Hinata or not.

The next time they meet, they both forget every single conversation they had on this subject, and how fucked up the luckster is.

\-----

They're on Hinata's cottage when it happens. Hinata called for him, though he couldn't figure why, and he came of course. How could he reject an Ultimate's desire? Even if he's puzzled since it's to see no one but him. Komaeda knocks and Hinata opens the door far too quickly.

Komaeda starts talking – mostly about the despair fever though he doesn't say what side effects and recollections it left him, especially these peculiar nightmares that make no sense yet but which must hold an important clue – and Hinata doesn't. 

He doesn't even seem to be listening in fact – though Komaeda can't blame him on that – and when Komaeda eventually stops talking, the brunet does not stir nor react.

"Is there something wrong Hinata-kun?"

It's impulsive, Hinata tells himself. It's completely out of control or thoughts – he didn't plan anything like this – when he abruptly kisses Komaeda. 

He does the selfish thing of only caring about his messed up feelings for the luckster, cause really it is already hard enough to realize and finally admit to yourself you love someone when they're about to die. Especially when it's Komaeda, whom Hinata was sure – and feared – wouldn't survive the fever. 

The kiss is messy, desperate and while it's not unpleasant, it isn't a particularly pleasurable experience. And Komaeda doesn't reciprocate, not that Hinata really expected him to. 

Or perhaps he did, to prove himself one point: it's alright for him to make the first move. Except it isn't, because Komaeda never accepted to be in a relationship nor expressed any feelings for Hinata. On the contrary, Komaeda tried to stop him from getting too close, Hinata understood this well.

When Hinata pulls out he's embarrassed more than anything but it turns out even worse after looking at the other's expression. Komaeda's face is frozen in shock and what looks to be dread, though Hinata can't really understand the last part.

Until a thin thread of tears escapes his eyes and Hinata curses himself for pushing on the other so much, he's at a loss of a word exactly like Komaeda, who is so shocked his face must appear funny.

Komaeda doesn't want to cry, not for something so awfully silly, it's ridiculous. But he's so shocked.

How long has it been since someone simply touched him? He had stayed away from physical contact for so long! Through just a second, Hinata went far past their usual relationship by throwing himself into Komaeda's private space and... **kissing** him. 

No, he doesn't want to cry for this. But he can't stop the tears, and the anxiety.

He does the thing he'd always been the best to. He runs out of the cottage, aiming for his own, without turning back when Hinata calls after him.

\-----

"Please don't forget... that I love the hope sleeping within you from the bottom of my heart."

An aftertaste of lie lingers. 

Komaeda doesn't want to look at Hinata, not anymore. 

There's a burning shame in his chest.

\-----

He's sprawled on the cold floor, his thighs burning and his hand could be on fire. The pain is fast to come but doesn't leave and keeps forcing his mind back to the reality every time it escapes.

The wait is long. At least, it feels long, though it could be that his time perception is fooled by the dementia or more simply by the discomfort – to say the least – of his current situation.

Komaeda absolutely refuses to think. He lets his mind wander to avoid facing the real world. It's easier not to ponder on the future. It had always been a big question mark with his luck, and this time would be no different.

Komaeda doesn't want to know who is going to die. He doesn't want to know whether his plan is going to work or not, and if he will be regarded as a true symbol of hope for making the Ultimates Despair disappear.

In the end, he doesn't care, because all of this is a lie and the truth isn't one he desires to know.

He just wants the pain to stop. It's awful. His nerves are cracking and somehow he wonders if how much longer he is supposed to stand it.

There is finally sound coming from behind the curtains. Komaeda can hear the shouts and can only guess the fire did lit. He sort of pass out and when his conscience comes back, there are extinguishers thrown. Poison.

This one doesn't hurt at least. It's painless, colorless, tasteless. _Invisible Death_.

It's quick as well, and Komaeda soon feels his mind blacking out. He releases the string that kept the spear on the ceiling, and it falls, piercing his insides. The shock is so violent it cuts through the last breaths he could have had.

But he doesn't die, not yet. His flimsy, useless body is fighting desperately, though his spirit wants nothing more than to fade away.

In the end he sees nothing. No light or anything, only darkness invading his vision field slowly and a figure far, too far for him to reach for them, the feeling someone is watching him dying right next to him and a something tearing in his chest.

He cries he screams. Or does he?

The link between his mind and his body is getting more and more precarious, like a thin thread fraying.

He doesn't want to die yet.

He realizes there is nobody. He is lonely and he dies. He wants to have someone next to him. He missed it.

He realizes it is all meaningless and for a moment he is lost.

It isn't long though before his eyes become glassy.

\-----

The sleep is peaceful. It gives him the calm he'd always yearn for. It doesn't feel real though. Neither do the dreams that mess him up. 

Komaeda never wished to actually love. Even if he knew deep inside he was perfectly unable of it, he couldn't bring himself to desire such a feeling. It was selfish, and far too sweet of a fate for him. How ridiculous would it be if he fell for someone right?

He had heard about aromantic people of course, with the time he had back alone in his house he could learn everything he wanted. The time spent to get the information was very little compared to the amount of free time he had.

He still doesn't define himself as such. He doesn't deserve such a label after all. It would be assuming he is a perfectly normal person, without particular problems, not broken and it's a pretty wrapped lie. His body and mind are both ruined, destroyed, by himself.

He kept telling himself that he isn't meant to like anybody. It would be a logical ending, with how fucked up he is, so repulsive and unashamed to shatter lives. He is a criminal in fact, albeit a messed up one.

He thinks he will never love.

And yet, when he finally wakes up after a several months, desperately weak and barely alive, it stings when Hinata smiles so brightly at him. It's sad how he can't detach himself from Hinata, how he's become so dependent to the other. 

It brings another feeling though. A sweet and selfish happiness that he can't – and doesn't want to understand.

He can't love anybody, he had never fell before.

\-----

Komaeda has to train his muscles to make such simple tasks it's humiliating. It doesn't make him feel any better that Hinata is so eager to help him on this. If Hinata wants so much to better himself, then he should focus on someone actually important. Something he destroyed himself.

Komaeda is pretty sure he didn't need anyone to fuck himself up.

"I love you." Hinata whispers once, while support him in his walk.

The sentence pierces a hole in the never healed, invisible wound and Komaeda cracks an expression of distaste.

"I'm sorry."

He really can't make a better reply.

Komaeda is sorry for Hinata, whose only person he fell for out of all the students was the luckster. Someone who couldn't even get over his insecurities and give his love back.

He is sorry, because love is such a foreign concept and Hinata deserves better, far better than someone as disgustingly hesitant as him.

He is sorry, because he doesn't love Hinata like he should.

\-----

"What about this thing you told me in the Strawberry House? Wasn't it a confession?"

"That's not it! We were starving remember, and I was a bit delirious – dementia turns a lot of things into weird situations. Don't use that against me, I wasn't in my right mind."

Hinata almost replies that he is _never_ in his right mind – even if it would be disgusting for the brunet to blame the luckster for his dementia – but instead – because it is far more acceptable – he nods silently.

It still hurts, because he didn't need to feel rejection once again, but there's only so much he can do with Komaeda. Hinata shouldn't expect the other to accept his feelings when his behavior in the simulation screamed the contrary.

It leaves a bitter taste for the two of them, and Komaeda truly feels sorry once again because he keeps running and making up excuses to push Hinata away. He is sorry for the brunet who is far too insistent and won't find anything satisfying in him.

\-----

When he finds Hinata again, he realizes he is unable to run away again.

“If you keep refusing my help they'll never let out of the hospital.”

Komaeda would rather not have to rely on Hinata all the time, and being pressured to lie down and make his actions scream _“Protège moi”_ because who needs protection, but he isn't foolish. He certainly does not desire to waste his last days in the building with the horrible smell. Awakening from the simulation was despairing enough.

He accepts to let Hinata a little bit closer since it is so needed.

He tells himself he doesn't want it though. He doesn't like to have someone next to him like this.

It's a lie.

\-----

At some point Hinata asks calmly why he refuses to grow a relationship. Komaeda can't answer.

Hinata makes him realize it's alright to be insecure. He doesn't have to be with someone.

“But I wish now.”

He had never fell before. He had always rejected every single interaction he could avoid. But then on the island, he never closed himself to the Ultimates. Back in the simulation, he thought it was a mistake when he realized Hinata might have come to enjoy the time they spoke together.

Komaeda didn't realize he was the one who slowly started to grow a romantic interest as he was learning Hinata as a person and not only as an Ultimate.

“I think I like you.”

Hinata understands. He had expected to be rejected again, but he was glad he could go even further in their relationship. He wanted to know Komaeda more. To understand, and help him build himself again.

“I can't deal with all your issues. But I can try."

Komaeda nods.

\-----

Once, after he's finally allowed to leave the hospital and go back to the cottage he lived in for the whole time of the simulation, someone visits him.

Komaeda really expected no one. It is already a miracle that Hinata still wants to associate himself with someone like him after everything he had done, not only in the game but during the despair. Komaeda didn't think anybody would ever forgive him in the simulation, and now back in the real world – a second chance he doesn't deserve – it is no different. 

It's true they all have things to blame themselves when it comes about the world's destruction, but can anyone really pin any reproach on Hinata? It was his hands who destroyed, but not his mind. The only mistake Hinata did was wording the wish of being someone else, of being recognized as he thought he ought to be.

There is no excuse for Komaeda though, not that he is searching for one. He knows his actions were deliberate, and isn't yearning for forgiveness. He already did enough, it would be disgustingly self-centered of him to wish for the Ultimates not to hold a grudge. On the contrary, he avoids interactions with them – except with Hinata.

But this time, Souda comes knocking on his door and Komaeda is confused. It can't be a mistake, the cottages are the same than in the simulations and the mailbox in front of them shows clearly the owner of the place. So what exactly could bring the mechanic to see him?

"Um hello Souda-kun. Are you searching for something?" Komaeda asks a few seconds after opening the door.

"N-- I mean yes!" Souda looks rather angry but mostly conflicted – he is an open book, it's so easy to read him through his face – and Komaeda can't fathom why.

An awkward silence follows as the luckster wonders what he should respond. Eventually, he only slide to the right so Souda can enter in the cottage. If there's a conversation to be made, it would be better if it wasn't on the threshold. Komaeda waits for the other and the mechanic starts talking again though he still isn't collected at all.

"Y-you!! You keep hiding here!"

"I'm sorry Souda-kun but I'm afraid I don't follow you. Could you be insinuating that you would like to see me out of here? Somehow I doubt it."

"No! Stay here if that's what you decide, we're better when you're not creeping on us! Nobody wants to see you around."

The luckster's collected face doesn't falter, even a little. Being told a reality he was aware for long wouldn't unsettle him so easily.

"Yes I figured as much. But then why did you come to talk?"

"What you're doing there doesn't matter for us! But you're taking all my soul friend's time! You better not do anything weird around him! You're too dangerous to be with Hinata!!"

"Ahh I see. I guess it won't help if I tell you I have no interest nor intention to hurt Hinata."

Souda's outraged face is enough of an answer. Komaeda doesn't even know why he's reacting so negatively. It isn't as if he's trying daily to murder Hinata or anything. But he can understand why the Ultimates would have reservations and would be wary around him, even if they all are murderers as well.

They just don't happen to be demented.

"Then tell him! Tell him it would be safer for him to lose his interest in me. I tried, but Hinata doesn't listen. I never asked him to keep coming to the hospital."

But Souda is apparently as stubborn as Hinata, except that he lacks the perceptiveness.

"You're lying!!" there are tears at the corner of his eyes - is the mechanic so bad at arguing? - and Komaeda is progressively getting more and more annoyed with this conversation.

"What do you want me to do? Tell you I'm manipulating him? If that is want you want to think then go on."

"You are! You keep playing with him, creating a link he doesn't want and making yourself necessary. Do you know how devastated he had been at the end of the simulation? He was hiding it but your death perturbed him a lot."

Komaeda forces himself not to frown at the problematic information given to him.

"You should be glad that he was a little close to me in the simulation. It's his general understanding of me that saved you. Otherwise, you would have been unable to figure out this case."

He laughs, raspy and forced, upon seeing Souda's stunned expression.

"Oh did you think he didn't tell me exactly what happened after I died? I value knowledge as a form of power, and especially as a necessity. You don't have much choice when your memories tend to slip away." he sighs, smirking and Souda doesn't question his last sentence.

"I don't want to see you around him again! You're only trouble and Hinata doesn't deserve that. Leave him alone!" Souda flees out of the cottage in a blur of colors and sound, as if the last order applied to him as well.

Komaeda is unsure what can come out of this meeting. He knows Souda's unvoiced threats aren't serious nor dangerous: the mechanic is only worried for Hinata. What he doesn't know is that the anxiety of an accident happening to the reserver due to the white haired boy's luck never leaves Komaeda.

The meeting is never mentioned to anybody.

\------

"I don't understand" he blurts out once in front of a screen.

It's a pity their communication with Nanami has been reduced to a simple computer. But then it is his fault – though Komaeda wasn't aware of this consequence of his plan before now.

"Hum? What do you mean?" she asks, tilting her head.

It is easy to open himself to the gamer, surprisingly so. After murdering both himself and Nanami, now that he can talk to her alone – without any member of the Future Foundation spying on him to make sure he wouldn't destroy the computer – Komaeda finds that she truly never wanted them any harm.

Besides, if Nanami desires the Ultimates' safety and well being she understands when they are sometimes being a little self destructive. She doesn't stop anyone though she doesn't approve. She deems it normal for their slow recovery to have small breaks, making them temporarily fall back in a despair far less concerning than during the Incident.

She never blamed him for not even trying – or wanting – to live back in the hospital, only helped as much as she could with positive words. Somehow it worked out. So Komaeda trusts her. She is a reliable person who wants nothing more than for him to be okay.

"Mm did you ever fall in love with someone?" he hums and Nanami puts on a thoughtful face.

"No I don't think so... It would be easier for me to understand romance in dating sims otherwise."

Her smile is heart warming and if he still doesn't feel he deserves her, he appreciates her efforts to cheer him.

"I see. I'm a bit at loss of experience in this field as well."

"Did you recently fall for someone Komaeda?"

He smiles at her as well but it looks less genuine on his face. Less appropriate. As if he shouldn't wear such an expression.

"It seems I have."

"It's Hinata, isn't it?"

Nanami is a great observer. Sometimes more than Komaeda would like. But it doesn't matter anymore. Privacy is the comfort of the people who have nothing to reproach to themselves.

"You're right. But it's confusing. I never experienced a single feeling of romantic love before, and assumed I--"

He cuts himself before starting to rambling. Nanami doesn't like his self depreciating fits.

"Anyway, I didn't think I would ever love someone. Besides, I didn't love him at first. It was rather problematic in the simulation when he showed clear affection to me that I couldn't return."

Nanami gaze is comprehensive and he wonders how it could even make sense.

"Then what happened for you to develop romantic feelings for him?"

He gives it a few seconds thought, but it's obvious enough.

"I got to know him truly. Not as a reserve student, as someone without talent, but as a person with a lot of qualities and some defaults as well. I guess I grew closer to him."

"Then why is this perturbing you? It is only another experience. Furthermore, you know where these feelings are coming from. There is no reason to be afraid of them. I understand the sudden proximity can be frightening, but you need to take it as a natural thing."

"I see, this is what Nanami-san think." Komaeda nods, thoughtful, pondering on her words.

"One more thing. Do you think the reason why you don't feel love is because of your virtual nature?"

"No I don't believe that's why."

The luckster hums again in approval, feeling very satisfied by her answer. It was interesting and encouraged him into his choice of trusting Hinata with this.

“Alright, thank you Nanami-san! I'll probably see you far sooner than the last time.” He chirped, smiling in relevance.

\-----

They're laid on a bed – well sprawled would be more accurate – naked to the waist and close enough that they could almost be in each other arms. But Hinata never asked if it was alright to actually cuddle and hug instead of keeping distance like this, and Komaeda rarely takes initiative.

It is enough they might think as Hinata strokes slowly the other's hair stands. It might be enough to stay just like this, far too close for anyone to suspect they weren't in a particular relationship.

Komaeda seems peaceful with his head on Hinata's lap and Hinata would be glad if he knew it wasn't an act. If he wasn't aware that the luckster still looks at his body with disgust. 

They have a hard time dealing with the memories of the despair, but Komaeda is the most revulsed of them all because of the marks it left permanently on him.

So Hinata can only take the pale hand and kiss the knuckles with reservation, and Komaeda allows the not too intimate gesture.

He doesn't speak, but cracks a tiny smile at the edge of his lips that make Hinata's heart flutter.

Hinata's still scared Komaeda would leave at any moment, and still wants to hold him, ensure he could always stay but he knows it's impossible. Komaeda can never stay for too long, he'll eventually fade away. 

Unless it's Hinata who disappears.

So the only thing he does is plant a small kiss on the other's forehead.

\-----

If there's someone whose behavior sets Hinata off, it's Koizumi's. Nothing in the simulation let him think she would be opposed to his relationship with Komaeda. On the contrary, he thought she went over that "real men" thing, but apparently it got worse. 

Or maybe it was because **he** never really knew her. Kamukura spent months with the super high school level despair, but he didn't. They were sort of strangers for him.

It still surprises him when Komaeda slips out by mistake that Koizumi visited him, and the matter would have been dropped as soon as it appeared if Hinata did not ask what she wanted. He does though, and Komaeda flinches, knowing the conversation would not end in a positive way.

"She said that real men shouldn't play with feelings."

Hinata is astonished, left gaping because of the insult. They don't play, far from it, they only try not to fuck up too much in their relationship because they are already both enough of a mess. 

They are both broken by what they did – their sole fault, nobody could deny it – and they are trying to fill up the cracks, collect the pieces and build themselves again. They are dependable of each other, even if they aren't really close.

It stings a lot, burns even. But the worst is Komaeda's reaction: neutral, almost embarrassed. As if it isn't a big deal, as if he didn't want to tell him because he knew Hinata would overreact.

Hinata is certain it's not the case though, and Komaeda's absence of anger or hurt worries him. He doesn't need to ask Koizumi to know how the luckster probably reacted, and to be acutely aware that she certainly worsen his hate of himself – he could see the self-depreciation in the even gaze.

"She is wrong."

His tone is forceful but he can tell it's not enough to convince Komaeda of how misguided her criticism is. How alright it is for the luckster to keep his distances because he's not comfortable and Hinata doesn't want to push on him more than he already did.

"No she was absolutely right!" Komaeda exclaimed with a grin far too wide, his lack of excitement betrayed by the desperate laugh he gave. 

"I keep toying with you, letting you come closer by moments only to reject you after. All you're asking for is for me to accept and reciprocate your feelings but I can't even do something as simple as that! I really wonder how you can't put up with someone like me."

Hinata feels betrayed, though he doesn't know by whom, because he believed they had gone past the "someone like me" pretense. 

He figured he could actually help Komaeda think higher of himself, but every single successful improvement finds itself shattered by an unfortunate occurrence. They don't work.

"You really think that? Is that really your belief on this subject or are you just adapting to the view Koizumi forces on you, as always?"

It makes Komaeda stop his rambling immediately. He trembles slightly, not looking at Hinata anymore, but instead gazing at the floor, his face closed. It doesn't even take Hinata two seconds to understand he fucked up.

"It's okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to trap you again. It's alright, it's alright.” it feels as though the same words could be uttered to him. They are really screwed, aren't they?

“You are by no means playing with my feelings. It's okay to be hesitant, to develop a relationship slowly. I don't hold anything against you. You have a pretty heavy past when it comes to people you get close to, and I won't ever blame you for being insecure. It doesn't make you less of a person, of a human being whose feelings have to be acknowledged.”

Hinata flinches when Komaeda rushes on him as soon as he's done speaking. The white haired boy's moves are urgent, showing nervous desperation, and he hides his expression on Hinata's shoulder.

He initiates the contact though so the brunet wraps his arms on the writhing figure of his “lover”. He had rarely seen Komaeda cry, and especially not on him, so open, lowering his guard by showing his trust on Hinata.

Yes, they were definitely closer than one could tell by the so tiny romantic aspect of their relationship. But they trust each other trust. It is enough.

\-----

"I don't think I'll ever be able to love you as much as you do."

Hinata nods. He doesn't smile, and Komaeda takes note of this difference immediately. Hinata doesn't feel the need to hide behind a usual expression. It was to be expected.

“It's alright.”

Hinata doesn't blame him on anything. He wouldn't even mind if Komaeda didn't have any romantic feelings for him, as long as he could be by his side.

They might say that love was unnecessary. A half-platonic relationship like theirs is enough.

And really, it is.


	2. Immortal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would you do if you were immortal? What can you do when you wish to die but you can't? Let your body destroy itself, along with your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm back! This one is a mess a big big mess and I love it because it's really fucked up.  
> I cut it in two chapters, cause it was long and cause I'm lazy and I have exams so I cannot publish the second part for now but I wanted to update this.  
> Also for a note, this whole work is unbeta'd so if you see a language mistake tell me about it please.
> 
> Enjoy!

The smell is putrid. The feeling is worse. But I live.

\-----

The first time it happens is on a plane. A vacation, Komaeda's parents call it, though he's perceptive enough to detect the sharp gazes they send him and his mother's trembling figure as soon as the plane gets on air. He knows it isn't a fear of the white device in itself.

It stings when he notice the look of distrust they give him when they think he isn't looking. But he says nothing. He knows this terrible luck is his and if something happens it will be his fault alone. His sires are right to be wary.

But it isn't enough for them to escape their deadly fate when the meteor pierces through their already dead, discombobulated bodies, twisted in physically impossible poses with an alien material forcing their flesh open. The terrorists already shot down most people in fright when a tremor shook the plane just before the meteor literally fell right on the passengers.

Komaeda remembers a white hot pain he is sure he is perfectly unable to stand. Shreds of the meteor pierce his skin and he screams, _screams_ **screams** and the last thing he can place before falling in a blinding numbness is the smell.

It smells absolutely nothing.

\-----

Then he wakes up on a hospital bed and doctors go rambling on just how _lucky_ he is! The only one survivor is a child who got injured far enough to die!

The scars remain in his chest, some right above his heart where they extracted sharp shreds while calling him a _"miraculé"_.

Nobody can explain how he survived, and even Komaeda doesn't wonder. He is far too shocked by the event, and the loss of his relatives. He's far too young to understand.

\-----

Why am I the only one left?

Alone

\-----

The second time he is in a closed down warehouse and the serial killer is staring at him with scorn.

(Komaeda considers it **very** lucky he isn't dead yet.)

A week of sequestration, he says, but no ransom. As if nobody even heard about him. Why isn't anybody worrying oh his disappearance?

Komaeda can't answer, but if he could he would have laughed. The criminal asks again. Is there really nobody for him? Nobody who would pay for his life?

The killer is obviously far more desperate than him. How useful can be an orphan? It's painfully clear the man is running after money more than murder.  
And it was already the third time he used chloroform on the kid, to injure him – and push the blackmail further on whoever could care for his life with pictures sent to the newspapers – without having to hear his screams.

But this time the man is really pissed. Komaeda can tell by his spiteful tongue yelling on the orphan – why the hell did the child he kidnapped had to possess no siblings nor parents?

Komaeda starts tearing up though he isn't sure why. He is not scared, really, but then there is this ominous feeling crushing his chest again – like right before the meteor fell! - and he's going – he wants to--- right _now_ **now NOW** -

A knife is grabbed before ripping through his skin, close to the lung – the protection the shirt brought being quickly derisory – and there the killer freezes (in the middle of killing him). The horrible swellings of chair come to view and clearly, it unsettles the criminal.

"What are these?" he hushes the child to answer.

"Meteor shreds."

Komaeda barely has time to croak out the answer before the man slaps him, screeching that he's a liar, as if afraid of his ability to survive.

And then slits the kid's throat.

Komaeda gurgles, cries in pain and... his eyes become glassy.

\-----

He wakes up a while later inside of a trash bag, dried blood all over his throat and chest.

He died, he is sure of it. There is no miracle.

Yet, the police officers cheers when they rescue (find) him. The money is handed to him with whistles of envy when he shows the winning ticket.

He died, but somehow he's still alive. Breathing.

It hurts.

He doesn't understand.

He worries much later about the serial killer knowing his strange ability not to die when someone cuts his throat open. But then, he reasons, the man wouldn't have put him in a trash bag thrown haphazardly in some street if he realized Komaeda wasn't dead.

Besides, he learns not even a week after that the famous serial killer who made everyone tremble in the city was found. Hanged. No culprit is researched.

His luck intervened one again.

\-----

The scars are the worst. I wish they would just disappear. If only I wasn't -

\-----

The third time he is more prepared. It isn't even supposed to happen, the oppressing feeling doesn't cling to his chest.

(Because it's not supposed to be him.)

His luck messes around once again, and he finds himself at the edge of a road, waiting for his reckless friend – the only person who wants to associate herself with him; even in the orphanage people avoid him and they are right to do so – to cross the pedestrian path and...

A lorry comes, too fast, too big, too late to lessen its speed, impossible to avoid. It is disgustingly imposing compared to the girl, as if it wants to crush her with his height. In a flash, Komaeda understands that his friend is going to die. So he throws himself in front of the lorry, pushing her harshly to get her away.

He feels himself slip away from reality once again, after being hit by the front of the lorry – it was great enough the driver stopped there and he didn't find himself under the tires – while the girl was crying over him. He would have liked to say that she shouldn't be sad, not for someone like him but strangely he can't find the words. 

They are floating around his mind but he can't voice them.

_It feels so cold..._

\-----

There is a hospital again when he wakes up, his friend still next to him. Right, she probably felt guilty for him taking the hit and dying instead of her.

"You're alive! It's a miracle, your pulse was non existent for a few minutes." the man in a white blouse explains but Komaeda doesn't care.

Miracle can't happen in this world.

The luck he was blessed with, and the ability to resurrect every time he died isn't a gift.

It was a curse.

He leaves the hospital with his friend, smiling at her never ending thanks, pretending it was made out of kindness – and not of morbid curiosity – all to save her, and acting as if he isn't appalled. 

\-----

I want to die, I want to die, I want to _die_ why can't I?

\-----

For a while, nothing happens. A few years go without anything relevant in it, without any disaster. Then, when he is 16, he's called to the medic – he can't avoid them all the time after all. The woman checks him with a bored look, it's just a routine inspection after all. Except that she apparently finds something slightly worrying. She doesn't say, but she sends him to the hospital.

And there, for some reason, Komaeda is anxious. What if they discover the reason why he can't die? He's oddly excited to learn about it – and especially of a way to counter it – but somehow he's afraid What will they do of him if they learn?

Yet, nobody mentions anything. They make him do several scans and IRMs around most body parts, then make different tests. It goes without saying it takes a whole day. They see his scars, of course, and when they ask the luckster replies it's a biking accident and conveniently, they believe him. Then, they send him back to the orphanage, saying he would be called later for the results.

A few days later he's in front of another doctor who looks at him with unhidden pity and sorrow. Komaeda **hates** that.

"I'm sorry. You were diagnosed with third stage fronto-temporal dementia and malignant lymphoma."

The news don't unsettle him. It has been a while since his luck manifested itself through an event of great importance.

It's even interesting. Could such illnesses kill him?

"What's my life expectancy?"

He forces himself to sound more devastated than eager.

"Six months, one year at maximum. If it were only for the dementia it wouldn't reduce it so much, but lymphoma is more problematic. We fail to have proper treatments for it unfortunately. However, we can still give you one, though I can't promise it'll increase much your life expectancy. It'll still help."

Komaeda takes in the words. One year maximum. Impossible to cure. He might finally die.

And he laughs, he _laughs_ he can't stop himself, so much that he quickly becomes breathless and the doctor's look of pity worsen but Komaeda keeps cackling.

He couldn't die before, because of some stupid immortality, and now his body is deteriorating from the inside.

How ironic.

\-----

He doesn't laugh when he finds in his mailbox a letter with a particular symbol. Hope's Peak Academy.

It goes without saying he admires the school with all his being and receiving a letter from such a prestigious place fills him with happiness.

He's apprehensive though. He can't find a reason why they would contact him. Suddenly he's afraid they mistook him for a beacon of hope like the other students. He likes the school and the students, but he doesn't particularly want to attend it.

So he calls them as soon as he read the contents of the letter.

The secretary is curt, and professional. She encourages him to change his mind, insisting that he at least visits the school. Komaeda is honored, too much, but he can't bring himself to refuse.

Indeed, the school is at his expectation's greatness, even further. It was truly created for the elite of the country. He isn't a part of it.

But Jin Kirigiri is very persuasive, maybe too much. Komaeda figures it doesn't matter so much, if it's for one year. He'll make sure not to approach too closely any of the students. It can't harm anyone if he's careful.

So, Komaeda accepts to become the Ultimate Good Luck.

\-----

Except that my luck isn't that great. If it was, I wouldn't have died three times already. This luck isn't something to be glad of having.

\-----

A year pass, and he's still alive. He didn't count on the medical facilities of Hope's Peak Academy, nor on their ability to provide a better treatment for lymphoma than regular hospitals. Komaeda is reluctant to take it but he can't explain why so he takes it anyway from the doctor's hands, though he rarely swallows the pills.

He didn't count on an Ultimate Neurologist neither. But it doesn't matter.

The 78th class comes, and with it all the problems the school never dealt with. A yakuza dies, a culprit is murdered. The fashonista called Enoshima makes a great fuss out of it, provoking a wave of panic and fury against the headmaster who's unable to protect them.

Komaeda takes part in none of the actions the students take. He doesn't care. It is mildly concerning that the students who are supposed to be the future's hope are making riots and showing despair, but the world might burn to the ground he wouldn't care. Who can worry about the future when you are immortal?

The whole student council is murdered by one reserve student who was experimented on, and the fashonista spread the news like wildfire, inside of the school and around, making people doubt about it being really made to create the future's hope. Anxiety looms around everyone's head like a sword of Damocles.

Enoshima once visits her upperclassmen. She doesn't explain why, but they know. She doesn't make a big speech surprisingly, but releases a bag in their class, winking, before leaving.

Their confusion isn't long. The bag is full of weapons and sure they wonder why she gave those to them, how she got them, what she was expecting but especially, most of them are scared. Each one of them picks once – "we need it for protection!" Souda justifies poorly – and Komaeda does the same, though he doesn't know why.

Then Kirigiri calls for him in his office and the luckster doesn't wonder for long. The headmaster doesn't dance around the subject. He asks for consent to experiment on him and discover what makes him resurrect each time he is killed, to ultimately find a way to replicate and spread it around the world.

Komaeda panics.

There is no reason for Jin Kirigiri to know about this. It didn't occur since the lorry accident a few years ago. Kirigiri can't be aware of what in his childhood was made of. Desperation and depravity. Accidents.

It's not possible that Kirigiri knows, unless he spied on him and asked every single person who had once heard of him.

After all, he already forced the doctors who examined the luckster to break the Hippocrates vow, it's very probable he also researched on all the students. How he concluded that Komaeda was somehow immortal, the white haired boy has no idea, but it's true it was a bit too convenient for him to survive to all of these accidents.

But in this case, Komaeda has no choice. If Kirigiri has this compromising intelligence, he can't refuse the experiments. It would be so easy to blackmail him! Kirigiri is a man of honor but his moral virtues are rather doubtful (the project Izuru wasn't very moral in itself). Could he go as far as blackmailing one of his students for science? For hope?

But then Komaeda never really belonged in Hope's Peak. For some reason, he finds it very probable that the headmaster would be ready to do everything to know how such a secret works. Especially with the atmosphere that wanders through the school lately. Everything knows something terrible is going to happen soon, but none of them are prepared nonetheless.

Which means Komaeda has to be experimented on. He has no choice. Except to give in Enoshima's despair, like so many students already. It doesn't matter. Hope is the luxury of those who have a future. For him? None of this will ever have an influence.

He stabs Kirigiri. The knife that was hidden in his jacket's seam, barely peeking out, is suddenly in his fist, blade turned against the headmaster and then it's in the man's chest. The hit missed vital points. The man seems in pain and there are screams feeling the room and it takes a while for Komaeda to realize- Right. These are mine.

He's screaming because he just noticed that he _put a knife in Kirigiri's chest_ , he attacked the headmaster, he just tried to take a life! He's almost killed Kirigiri and oh god he's gonna have so many judicial issues what is even going to happen to him now?

Komaeda can't stand it. He runs away from his crime.

\-----

He learns a few days later that the fashonista somehow caught him. She saw him stab Kirigiri, and decided to finish the job. The blame is pinned on him, unsurprisingly, but he doesn't get arrested or even punished by the school's staff (whose number has been drastically reduced). Probably because they no longer have any power on the destructive students, that seem to be uncontrollable ions aspiring only for chaos.

In fact, instead of being labeled as a criminal, he becomes the living symbol of the student's riots. He hates it at first, but then he muses it doesn't matter. He doesn't care enough to be opposed to the students. Besides it's in his best interest not to make himself look too remarkable.

Enoshima keeps hanging around him, and she is bothering but somehow her presence isn't completely annoying. Exactly like Kamukura, whose slaughter of the students council started the current madness, despite his coldness he is very interesting to talk to.

While Enoshima is spewing her despair everywhere, some students are resisting. Naegi is the most perfect example to it, and he tries to convince Komaeda that despair won't bring anything but unfortunately the luckster doesn't care enough to listen.

He is a zero value, this fact won't change, despite the positive value Naegi tries to adds to him and the negative one Enoshima convinces everyone he possesses. He doesn't particularly wish to act against Naegi, but the boy has yet to realize his ideals won't work in this place, at that time.

He is one of the first to send the world tumbling to the ground, watching it burn from a not much safer place. He is one of the biggest contributor to the Malefaction.

Yet then Junko throws all her partners away, saying she's not interested in them anymore. Surprisingly, Komaeda finds himself quite lost. He's lived eighteen years without her commanding around, spreading her despair, but it's far too unsettling when she walks away and a few weeks later, when he sees her getting executed on a screen because she made him think of the future.

Komaeda decides it's his time to leave.

\-----

The trick the hateful woman pulled was too misleading for me to escape it. Or maybe I just desired to believe there could be a future for all of us, a chance to make in our existence. But how could I be free if I can't even choose if I live or not?

\-----

He ends up in Towa City for some reason – he isn't searching for a place to stay. In fact, he doesn't know what he's searching for. Whatever it is, it makes Komaeda like Towa City, a place torn between a group of five despairing kids and a bunch of adults that are being slaughtered by Monokuma figures. The city smells of murder and despair, it's absolutely fucked up. It feels right.

Komaeda intends to be caught by the children of course, but he doesn't want to be recognized. Right, that is his main issue. By making everyone idolize him as a true symbol of despair, Enoshima made him rather famous and it's quite problematic. If the kids recognize him as the murderer of Hope's Peak Academy headmaster, they'll probably ask him to lead them.

Or maybe he's misguided but it doesn't matter. The children mustn't find he is Nagito Komaeda, especially since he carries around one of Junko's hands he cut from her corpse – he still hasn't figured what he intends to do with it. 

Thankfully, it's not on his body or anything, since he rejected the first idea of using it like his own hand. It would be disgusting and especially very unpractical. If he has to live so long, he'd rather not lack a hand.

He takes different clothes, and find a chain to click on his throat. He makes himself called Servant. It probably should be humiliating when the children bring him back to their living place, using him as a slave – though it's actually more as if he's their nanny they take advantage of – but really, Komaeda doesn't care.

\-----

Messing around Towa City is rather interesting, but repetitive so when he meets Komaru Naegi along with Genocider Syo – he's rather impressed she survived the school life of mutual killing –, Komaeda decides time of change has come.

And in fact, he isn't wrong. He still keeps a low facade, discrete and devoid of interest, while pulling some threads when nobody looks. He even decides he prefers this way of action compared to putting himself on the front line, like he did with Junko. It's more convenient.

One might reproach him to play with human lives, he realizes as he sees the Children of Despair fall one after another, but really he did it since the beginning with his own life. He's just not the one in danger this time.

Except he miscalculated. He realizes he can't plan everything after finding himself under the shreds of a building.

He doesn't think it kills him. Maybe he just falls unconscious. But after all, it doesn't matter. He'll wake up anyway.

\-----

It hurts it _hurts_ **ithurtsstopit!**

\-----

Being crushed isn't the most pleasant death, Komaeda figures when he wakes up still under the shreds. His whole body seems to be paralyzed in pain. There is no way he could get out of here.

At some time, he hears shuffling. And then the sounds of things being rolled, and suddenly a small light appears. Komaeda finally understands, someone is moving the shreds to get whoever could be under out. He wonders who would even bother.

It takes a while for him to notice. The light is far too blinding and everything hurts. Someone lifts him and he finds him completely dumbfounded, carried on someone's back.

Finally his vision focuses.

"Kamukura-kun? What are you doing here?"

After all, Komaeda hasn't seen the other since Junko's fall. How did he even know where the luckster was?

"The Future Foundation sent me. They want to help us get rid of despair, and they caught me so I'm helping them finding all of us to make it quicker."

So Izuru was found so easily by the Future Foundation? Somehow Komaeda doubts it, despite not knowing the organization. Izuru mustn't be so opposed with joining them.

"What are they going to do?"

"They didn't tell. But it's boring to wait."

Izuru then tells him to save his questions for later, so Komaeda shuts his mouth. 

\-----

They find themselves on a boat. Komaeda doesn't even bother to fight Izuru to escape, he knows perfectly he wouldn't win. Besides, if the Future Foundation wants so much to get him rid of despair they can do as they please.  
Komaeda has never really been in despair – though it's true he's quite more chaotic since Enoshima flung herself in his life – but he sees no reason not to follow the organization, even if he'll probably never harbor their ideals.

In fact, it isn't even so bad. It gives him something to do, a direction in his life, for now.

They talk a lot. After all, they have time and they are far from being enemies. On the contrary, they quite appreciate each other's presence, even if Izuru can be cold, impersonal, and Komaeda can be annoying.

It doesn't prevent the luckster from wondering why the raven haired boy saved him. After all, if he died under there it would be less of a concern for everyone. Does Izuru likes him that much? Or, more simply he could just be aware of Komaeda's immortality. It makes more sense.

Komaeda doesn't talk about it. Instead he shows the cut-off hand he keeps hidden mostly in one of his pockets. Izuru glares with a blank stare so the luckster precises it belonged to Enoshima.

"And what are you doing with it?"

"Well from now, nothing. I came to wonder why I even took it. Maybe only because the others did so."

Izuru nods, completely understanding what he means.

"Did you hear that Sonia almost died with it? Getting a corpse's blood isn't the best way to avoid illnesses." he giggles and Izuru throws him a strange piercing look.

Komaeda understands almost instantly.

"No. These don't matter. Stop focusing on it."

He has absolutely no intention of speaking of what made his body rot.

"You should tell me more about the experiment."

And surely, Izuru tells him all the plan made by Makoto. Komaeda is glad to find that he grew this ambitious. And he laughs, he cackles while Izuru watches him with a surprising glare again. It's so incredibly naive and yet he wants to believe it. It's so sweetly hopeful, so distinctive of Makoto that Komaeda finds he wants nothing more than to trust the other. 

But Makoto is fallible, Makoto can die and Komaeda can't. Makoto can't understand the reason why he cannot hope nor despair. Izuru suffers from the same dilemma, though he doesn't have immortality weighting him and Izuru doesn't have to care because he won't be participating to the experiment.

“They are going to try to get the reserve student back.”

“Don't you mind Izuru-kun?” Izuru doesn't like his last name, Komaeda finds after five minutes of discussion. “They'll overwrite your memories.”

“They can't erase my existence now, it would be hell even for the neurologist and he's dead anyway. Besides, it might be interesting to share my mind with Hinata.”

Komaeda would like to be so alright with having his history changed. But he cannot, because he is defined by his actions. If they erase one part of him, he won't be the same.

The thought is scaring, because who knows how he can turn?

When you have all the time you could wish for, you can do everything.

But that might not be the best for him.

\-----

Komaeda never fights but he never agrees neither for the experiment. It doesn't matter though, because Makoto, Kirigiri (did she know he killed her father?) and Togami aren't seeking for consent. They just make the simulation.

\-----

There is... a blinding light. What is it? It looks like... a school? Could it be Hope's Peak? Why did I come back, _whydidI_

**Wait**

How can I know how the Academy looks?

I've never been here before, it's the first time **thefirsttimeIcome nonononononomemories no**

**Overwrite y/n?**

_You choose yes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I don't know at all Another Episode, I think it's pretty obvious.  
> Also nevermind this AU is going to be longer than two chapters. The third will be published sometime during the week.


	3. Immortal 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during chapter 1 and 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will probably be set during chapters 3, 4 and 5 and maybe for the small post game part. Unless I decide to cut it again. We'll see.

"My name is Nagito Komaeda. I'm the Ultimate Lucky Student."

Except that he wasn't.

\-----

The boy called Hinata keeps his eyes wide and wondering like a doe – somehow he really reminds Komaeda of someone far too nice, whose kindness will be his downfall. But Hinata seems to have some sort of barely hidden strong will, and Komaeda can't wait to see it, though there the only thing visible is his confusion as the luckster drags him around to introduce him to the others. 

Oh he'd admit easily it isn't unpleasant to tag along with someone so intriguing. Komaeda is astonished by Hinata's whole being, the aura of normalcy he gives yet the strange spark that seems to live within him. 

He can't say he likes Hinata though. The other fascinates him, but he can't really grow fond of anyone. Especially an Ultimate, someone so special that they appear so controversial. Hinata will spit on him soon enough. And it isn't as if Komaeda liked it, but that's the way it is.

He's already so lucky that Hinata accepts his presence from now.

But the realization comes as a disappointment.

\-----

Ah, the dear Ultimates...  
I can't wait to see them _fall_.

\-----

When Monokuma comes, it's nothing like a surprise. Or perhaps it is for the others. Right, they aren't used to this yet. Komaeda looks at the stuffed bear with a bored look, and doesn't speak. 

How predictable of his luck, put him in a "kill or be killed" situation. It's oddly disappointing and he wishes he could just scoff but that would seem out of place and he needs to keep this facade from now. It's absolutely necessary if he wants to see what will happen if he makes the Ultimates despair. 

Will they succumb to it? And then, what would they do? Or will they overcome it with their own talents and hope? 

Komaeda is really curious, because it's the only form of entertainment he can get from this game he can't play. His immortality excluded him since the beginning. It is mildly annoying.

He doesn't croak out a word, not until they're heading back to their cottages and he bids Hinata farewell. Komaeda is remotely sure the boy can handle the situation, surely he can't wait to see how much this situation will force him to show all his will.

Then he's alone in the room and the realization catch him that the next weeks are going to be very long, especially if nothing happens. For sure, Komaeda will have to interfere and disturb the peace soon.

Monokuma pops out of nowhere and Komaeda stares, deeply disinterested.

"What do you want?"

"For the record, your weird ability doesn't work here." Komaeda has to stop a wave of panic, to appear natural and not completely stressed out.

"You can be killed like everyone else so don't go around thinking you're safe!"

He disappears immediately, leaving Komaeda confused but mostly wondering.

It isn't such an acute problem that the stuffed bear knows, and the white haired boy doesn't really care how he learnt. Most importantly, how did Monokuma turn down his ability to resurrect when not a single scientist has found it or managed it yet? Komaeda doesn't know how it is even possible.

If it was he would have killed himself for good long ago.

He ponders again and again and reaches two conclusions. The only way the claims are possible (or true, assuming Monokuma didn't lie) would be that there is a huge staff of scientists around, playing with their lives. A crazed experiment in itself. Or his immortality changes with the different times and places.

\-----

This is even better than anything I could have dreamed of.

\-----

All it itself, Komaeda is terribly busy. Between trying to figure out what is wrong with him (his immortality), bonding with the Ultimates – all of them – setting his trap slowly by making everybody trust him...

It's more interesting than anything that happened the last years of his life. Komaeda is glad but he knows this friendly attitude can't last, and he isn't one to settle in normalcy and nice routine. Not only because it's impossible – wishing for a constant life with his luck would be foolish – but also because it would be hopelessly **boring**.

So when Monokuma throws himself around yelling he erased a part of their memories (somehow he's not surprised), the luckster decides to take action. Oh, don't misinterpret him, he doesn't care the slightest about the motive. A few recollections in years of existence are derisory, insignificant. Especially for someone like him – understand it as you wish.

The only case where this information could be interesting is for his illnesses. But then, does he care? The quicker the lymphoma takes him away, the better. If it can even kill him. He wonders.

He decides to take action so he edges Togami, who decides to animate a party in order to spy on everybody. That's not a problem for Komaeda though, he knows that his luck will work out something in his favor. And it does after all, since the lodge is chosen as a place and he is picked to clean it up to the ground.

He stops himself from smiling knowingly. It's almost too easy.

It's still easy when Komaeda has to scare Hanamura away after the chef's (made deliberate) discovery of his plan, adding a random variable that he hopes will spice up his plan a bit. 

He does not choose who he is going to murder. It doesn't matter after all, probably the first person on his way – except maybe Hinata. For some reason he'd grown a particular affection for the normal looking boy who holds so much potential. Komaeda wants to see if he'll be able to pin him as a culprit. How exciting it would be!

After all, he's only searching for entertainment and anarchism before taking his life if no one does it before. Because he can't survive, he won't allow this opportunity to die to go away, not after all the time he waited and wished for it. He'll die on this same island, and if nobody gets the guts to murder him because he is dangerous, then he'll kill himself without any second thought.

It's what he always wanted after all.

It is shamefully simple when the blackout occurs and Komaeda makes his way surely through the dark, pushing a bit Hinata who stumbled on his path. He smirks and the knife is in his hand, finally, but another random possibility comes and hit him right in the face, quite literally. Someone imposing makes him go rolling harshly on the ground, speaking as loudly as his actions are violent but then Komaeda doesn't really resist (at all).

He only tells himself that he's going to die earlier than he imagined. But it's alright, it doesn't matter.

He didn't expect the two random variables he added to his plan to counterbalance each other. The luckster can't plan everything after all, it's so unpredictable! That's what makes it any more interesting. Except when his initial plan fails.

As he's waiting for Togami – he can't imagine it being anyone else though he can't really see – to stab him, Komaeda hears the noise of an object piercing through skin. He feels no pain. Droplets of blood splash on his face and the noise remains, the person hitting feverishly.

_No pain?_

He realizes far too late. He isn't the one being stabbed.

Togami falls to the ground in an eerie fashion, his accusing gaze firmly locked on the one whom he tried to save and who caused his demise.

It isn't the first time Komaeda is close to a corpse. Certainly not the first he sees someone die right next to him. But for some reason this one feels disgustingly wrong, and make his insides twist with what he can only picture as regret. But why would he?

There's something he can't remember, he's sure. It feels horrible, as if he stabbed Togami himself, took his life when he was never supposed to...

He wants to throw up.

\----

When the lights are switched on again, all blood is wiped, and Komaeda is placed next to a wall, not too far from where he was at the beginning of the blackout. He forces himself to appear vaguely confused, despite his growing urge to crawl away and the difficulty of keeping his breathing calm. 

He doesn't understand why it's affecting him so much, and when everybody discovers the corpse ("a body!" "he's dead?!" "there's a corpse here."), everything is back to normal so he makes himself act as freaked out as the Ultimates.

Hinata, without surprise from the white haired boy's part, is the most resolved one. He decides to take in himself and investigate as much as he can, to dig out the truth, no matter how unpleasant it might be. Komaeda admires his strong personality. He knows he isn't mistaken to believe in the other and can't wait for the trial.

When he proposes to Hinata to help him with finding proofs and clues, the other isn't much reluctant, and almost seems to enjoy... No. That's wrong, there's no way. Ha, he's so mistaken! He cannot believe he actually allowed himself to even imagine that Hinata would somehow appreciate his presence! Of course it's far from it, the boy was just too polite to refuse and probably figured that investigating together would be more productive.

"I'll leave the rest to you, I have something I must take care of."

He's perturbed, so confused of why he came to think that Hinata might stand him while Komaeda loves his whole being and what he represents. How come is the immortal expecting his affection to be returned?

It feels he isn't reacting like he should, and it feels off, desperately so. He is almost a stranger to himself. Could it be the cause of the dementia evolving during the time of the lost memories?

Hinata looks awfully confused – really Komaeda better end this act quickly before it becomes any more uncomfortable and odd – but also concerned and the luckster really should have expected it, though he doesn't deserve it. The Ultimate is so nice, so wonderfully benevolent, even during such a crisis. Will he still be when Komaeda will show how fucked up he actually is?

He can't help but wonder why this day affected him so much.

\-----

It worsened during the trial as he didn't really take Hanamura's side. The chef had found him during the investigation, when Komaeda had parted with Hinata to return to his own cottage and ponder, clearly not focused on whatever Hanamura could ask him. The cook had begged him to help him, take his side and cover him during the trial since _“it was his fault"!_

But Komaeda's only reply had been "The dices have already been thrown. You just need to look at them now.". He wasn't feeling guilty at all.

For a moment, the students struggled and Komaeda made no move to help nor hinder them, only intervening once or twice to show that he did care. But then, Nanami found that someone had to be waiting for the blackout to reach for the knife and figured that this person didn't have night-vision goggles so they probably found their way with the lamp cord.

Following this logic, the luckster appeared awfully suspicious, especially since he could have put the knife under the table while cleaning (which is exactly what he did).

He didn't even bother to deny it when she presented the evidences against him and lead doubts.

"Hm? Oh that's right."

"... That's right?" Nanami gave him a confused look slowing boring into him.

"Exactly! More importantly, what are you trying to accomplish here?"

"Umm proving if you are the culprit or not I think."

"Oh so I'm the culprit? Alright. There is a hole is your line of thought though. What weapon did I use?"

His purposely confusing words made it hard to understand his motivations, so Nanami and Hinata went back on the evidences.

"The knife couldn't have been used, there was no blood on it and the culprit couldn't have washed it in the little time of the blackout. It has to be the pike Tanaka found through the lattes." Hinata stated, thoughtful.

"That's right, there's no doubt about it." the luckster added in an encouraging tone.

Finally noticing the deafening silence, Komaeda turned to face every single student, watching them with a half curious half surprised gaze.

"Huh? Now what about it? Ah are you expecting me to reveal something? I'm afraid Hinata worked so well he found every single detail in the case. I have no confession for you."

"N-no, wait!" Tsumiki interrupted them and whimpered in discomfort when all the gazes turn to her. "T-there was no b-blood on him."

"Now that you mention it... It's true I didn't pick this detail." Nanami pouted, apparently disappointed that her whole reasoning went down to pieces in a minute, since the bloodstained sheet couldn't have been carried by Komaeda from the hall to the storage room.

" _As I said_ , you both understood everything about this case. Except a tiny detail. I am not Togami's killer."

He ignored every single reaction given and kept talking. "And the real killer knows it very well since he tried to kill me. Right, didn't you? I told you I had no reason to keep your pretty lie running." he exclaimed, his words directed to Hanamura and to the whole courtroom at the same time.

The chef broke down and screamed.

\-----

This night, they are witnesses of something as fascinating as terrible. The reality of death crashes on them as the awfully unrealistic execution of Hanamura Teruteru tears their breath away from their lungs. It's a horribly beautiful show for a murder. It makes them realize just how twisted the game of death is.

Komaeda doesn't remember going back to his cottage that night. Instead, there is a sharp blow at the back of his head and it's sure enough to knock him out, right after he left the courtroom without any word. When he wakes there's is nobody around anymore but he's not in a bed, it's far rougher. Komaeda recognizes it as the floor to the feel because he can see nothing.

He... he cannot see anything, nor can he move at all. No wait, he can move his shoulder but his hands? There's the rattling of a chain and there's a horrible feeling of dread washing over him and a gnawing fear.

He starts to hyperventilate as his hold on reality slips away, his vision failing its usual clearness, his perception of the place being far far too close to the dark room where he was kept a few years ago, and he finds himself unable to tear any – not rational at all since he's panicking terribly – thoughts from the memories of the time he was kidnapped (and murdered). He probably is screaming, because Monomi suddenly appears in the middle of the room, with a blinding light and he notices finally that he isn't blindfolded. It's only nighttime.

She begs him to calm down before he brings all the students here – so she knows about whoever brought him on the lodge – and eventually he manages to. The realization that he can indeed move – though it's limited to crawling – is incredibly relieving, along with the knowledge that this time there isn't some serial killer around.

Monomi disappears before he can ask her any question and the next person he meets a few hours later (it's hard to tell the time but he thinks it's the second time he sees the light after being twice in darkness) is Hinata. It's so completely unsurprising that for once Komaeda sees no reason to smile.

"What could you possibly want out of someone like me?"

Hinata doesn't answer immediately but he puts a tray filled of diverse items of food. Komaeda stares at him expectantly, rising his eyebrows. Did Hinata not notice this wasn't really going to be possible?

"You know, you have to feed me."

The thought must be mortifying because Hinata's face flushes and he lets a strangled sound, between a gasp and a groan. It's quite entertaining to watch.

Except that Hinata makes no move, apparently pondering on something and it makes Komaeda insanely curious.

"So you couldn't bear the thought of letting myself starve? I wonder if this decision was collective or not."

"Of course it was! I wouldn't have acted against what everybody wanted."

The last sentence sounds like a blatant, awful lie. Hinata gives him an embarrassed look when Komaeda raises his eyebrows. Right, so he would have done it anyway.

"And yet only you came. Was this another group decision?" Hinata's silence gives him all the answers he desired, so he adds "As I thought. I wonder what interest you have in here."

It's obvious now that Hinata wants to talk to him about whatever thing was on his mind, though he might be regretting it. Komaeda is surprised the other is still alright with associating him with the luckster – or that he was in the first place.

"Your behavior during the trial, it was so unnatural! You never once gave a motive. Why did you even attempt a murder?"

His complete inability to understand amuses Komaeda to no end. He starts chortling, an awful, wretched noise to his ears. It's quite disgusting really, and a bit hysteric but the _“fun”_ is still here. Why would Hinata even try to make sense of him? It's amazing how much patience the boy has, to stand him.

"You would like to know huh? I wonder what you're even expecting. A motive? If you want me to wail like Hanamura that I miss my family, I will but I doubt it'll help you much. I do miss them but not for the same reason."

He continues before Hinata can ask about his cryptic words. "Monokuma's incentive isn't my concern. I might even say I'm the least affected by these missing memories."

"Why would you be?" Hinata questions with narrowed eyes.

"Because I have nothing left behind. The past is not something I worry about."

The brunet seems confused for an instant before anger comes, twisting his features.

“So what then? You intended to kill someone just for the **pleasure** of it?" Hinata asks with disdain, his perfect mouth detaching all the syllables as if they were too repulsive to associate. "Is that it? Do you find it fun to see someone die and to go through these trials? Was it the reason why you were laughing so much?”

“Ah I wish I could tell you I have a motive for wanting to get out, even for wanting to create hope or inspire despair but it's not this, really. You're right, I had no reason to kill at all. It's so peculiar you know, how history can change individuals and turn them into worthless scum. It's alright not to comprehend why I would do this, since you haven't lived the same impossible experiences as me.”

There is a look a disgust thrown to him, as if to hit him and for some reason Komaeda isn't alright with it. It stings in his chest to know how Hinata despises him now, though he always knew it would end like this. It was great he cut the pretense so quickly.

“That's such an awful thing to do. You don't even try to defend yourself. How weird do you even have to be? It seems nothing good can come out of you.”

"I wouldn't expect you to understand either way. Oh, not that I'm particularly searching for someone to comprehend my mind. It's an awful mix of self loathing, unvoiced concerns and suppressed actions. But, that's right, I intended to do it only for death and for the trial."

Although Hinata's fist are still clenched so hard his knuckles are whiter than Komaeda's hair, the luckster keeps on going. "I wonder why you even try to make sense of someone like me."

“Because you matter like everybody else.” Hinata drops the statement as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and all potential reply die on Komaeda's lips.

It's frightening really, to have someone wanting to understand his mind and the white haired boy can only think it's from misleading empathy that shouldn't ever be directed to him but it doesn't make it easier, on the contrary. Why, why would Hinata still want to spend any time with him, why would he desire to comprehend his actions and keep bonding? It makes absolutely no sense and it confuses the luckster to no end.

There's also the increasing anxiety of the unknown. Hinata cares, and it never happened before so Komaeda can't know what might happen. He knows how death feels, how despairing the survival is, but he has no idea what an accepted two-sided friendship is, and what it can cause with his luck.

And it is outright terrifying, especially when Hinata remains to feed him, no matter how much Komaeda tries to push him away by showing a complete lack of care and emotions that isn't truly real. The boy gets frustrated at times, but he never leaves, even asks what Komaeda cannot bring himself to answer.

"See? If you can't find one, then there is no reason to be so self-depreciating."

\-----

The next time Hinata comes, he talks about Monokuma's new incentive, and of course the immortal one listens and replies. It's not like he can ignore Hinata when he's talking about anything that can help solve the mystery of their presence on the island. Komaeda wants to understand what's so different about this place, though it's obvious the riddle isn't an easy one.

It doesn't change his desire to die, after apprehending how these events can even happen on this island, how come his immortality doesn't function anymore, why he never gets sunburns even if he always had when he spent more than ten minutes exposed to the summer sun, how they can get so many food without any production on the island or without any provisioning ships.

And the next time, it isn't Hinata who comes. Nanami enters the lodge and wastes no time. She frees him, explaining a murder occurred and leading him to the beach house.

The following trial is long and brings no entertainment, nor relief. Clearly, it doesn't make anyone feel better to send Pekoyama to the gallows; and Komaeda, well he is a bit disappointed for some reason but especially he tells himself he doesn't care. 

It almost works, until he sees everyone leave the courtroom wordlessly, mood down, except for Souda who whines and accuses Komaeda. That's right, he started the mutual killing. Had he not, this might never had happened. He smiles at the mechanic in lack of a proper response and finds himself again alone throughout the whole night to ponder on whatever he can since he's not sleeping – the medication is disturbing his sleep schedule to no end –, only this time he isn't tied up.

It doesn't make it better. No answers are found at the bottom of his consciousness, before he quite literally falls (asleep) on the bed, unable to hold his body up for any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave any comment as usual! See you soon for the next chapter!


	4. Desires and disasters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The strength of your dream determines the size of your success. Desires create power that can wreck havoc at any moment, and some people must manipulate it, shape it so it doesn't turn in a disaster.
> 
> "You never had anybody to take care of your wishes, didn't you? It must be hard to struggle with such a misplaced, mediocre hope. I wonder how you will handle the disappointment of being brought to life by yourself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome. Hahahaha. help my sinner soul  
> Hum so yeah this is mostly caused because ~~i'm a big sinner~~ and [my whole tumblr](http://unluckyteaser.tumblr.com/) is dedicated to escort Komaeda so I couldn't ignore the opportunity of writing Komacest. SerKoma makes it even better, with how fucked up my AU Servant is. And Komaeda is just far too broken down after Chapter 5.  
>  I'm laughing. this is a giant mess.

Komaeda didn't know where he'd come. It was impossible, at least it should be, but then his own existence was. He was supposed to be dead, not on his cottage again, still in the simulation – at least he assumed he was in. He didn't try to kill himself again to check, mostly because he'd more pressing matters. Including figuring out why the hell he was down there, staring at another version of himself.

The other Komaeda wasn't so different, physically at least. They shared similar features, with small different details like the actually styled hair (contrary to his own) or the shape of the body, more built than the frail carcass of the dead one. 

And mostly the clothes: they were more feminine, more fit for his figure. They seem to embrace each curve to flatter, while revealing nothing underneath the layers. Typical clothing for the type of people he wasn't and couldn't expect his alternate to be. But the strangest was the chain hanging from the neck to the middle of the thigh. It attracted the eye, and Komaeda couldn't help imagine how it would be to tug at it, to bring the slightly older man closer and spit at his face.

Ah, well he was a bit angry after all. To be brought here, to be still living. He didn't **want** to live, and thought he was done with it already. And really with all the people he could have met for it to be himself, just his scummy self smirking so arrogantly and looking at him as if he were a child complaining, with mild amusement and condescension, was extremely aggravating. All of this coming from him and directed to him. He **hated** it, despised it. As if the other was better than him, pretending he wasn't the same _filth_ , the same despairingly helpless lost child.

“How are you here?” he hissed more than asked, and the other started to giggle. To outwardly mock his words. Komaeda scolded immediately.

“I return you the question.”

Great so none of them knew. Or would tell, which was the same result anyway. No answer to be found by simple talk, but then there was no surprise considering who they both were. How annoying he thought, and without realizing it his face started to twist in frustration.

“What's up with this face? Don't you like the place? It should be enough for you. Bland, empty, average. Without any distinctive features. Aren't you the same after all? Oh wait, I forgot shallow.” the scoff was merciless, each syllable pronounced slowly but with the impact of a missile and it left Komaeda breathless.

For a second he was frozen in place, unable to retort anything, barely registering the words. What a violent affront, one he didn't expect at all, one that took him awfully aback. He blinked harshly once, twice, before his facial expression naturally came up to him, the corners of his eyes turned upwards and the ghost of a smile tugging at his lips. The nerve… Hahaha how could he even dare? It was amazingly inappropriate coming from someone so unworthy, so disgustingly low.

“You pretend being better? You're nobody special you know. _Nothing_ better than me. You're clawing, crawling, acting as if you had any worth but let me tell you one good thing.” he outright laughed, a bit offended if he were to be honest. It was so obviously ludicrous, to be looked down by someone as paltry as him. “You don't deserve a damn thing.” the whisper was hateful, dripping with venom he didn't even bother to hide.

The other smiled knowingly, looking at him with something akin to pity and Komaeda really wanted to scratch the too smooth, too full lips until it became an ugly, bloody mess. His alternate's appearance was too clean, too proper and it was making him feel dirty, shamefully out of place and it was ridiculous because it wasn't anybody particular just his dull self he absolutely loathed.

But then the composed one started to approach with far too much grace in his moves as if he was used to sway his hips in a hypnotizing fashion, rolling them and twirling just enough to make sure he was definitely watched, more eagerly than the white haired boy wanted to admit, especially since it was himself and **he** didn't know how to do such a trick. The man dragged his stronger body closer until it wasn't comfortable anymore – not that it ever was, being in this place with _himself_ – and Komaeda narrowed his eyes, tensing at the sudden invasion of his personal space. Why was he? What was happening with this-

He didn't have much time to ponder, not anymore when the man leaned down on him and he panicked because no. No, he refused touch with this piece of trash, disgusting show off that was trying to get himself interested in him, messed up self. No way he would be touching his own skin, that wasn't exactly his. Komaeda took a good grip at the metallic chain before pulling harshly, throwing it to rattle on the floor as the body connected to it crashed down, following the laws of physic to wonderfully drop in complete clumsiness.

It brought him extremely satisfaction, and not solely because he got to step away from the lying form he knew all too well and he didn't want to have any contact with. Finally this wretched garbage was put in his place, lowered to where he really belonged. It was so gratifying, to see him wiggle on the dust as Komaeda pulled this ridiculously neat hair to smash the head once, twice, on the hard pavement (it seemed to be paved at least). 

But the sight of the crimson liquid made him release the strands he was holding, and backing away quickly, hands firmly clasped on his mouth, nausea coming at him far too quickly. For a second, he staggered, weak legs ready to drop and almost sure he would puke the next instant, but it didn't happen. Instead, he remained unmoving for several seconds, feeling deeply sick and not only physically.

He couldn't admit just yet how rewarding it'd just been to make someone bleed. This was messed up, revolting. No. He wasn't here to hurt anybody, even if it was himself why- why was it so delightful to act out of anger, to hold him down? He was always like this, why was he suddenly so violent, so… bloodthirsty?

The only answer was his habits as a former member of the SHSL Despair coming back to him, and he just refused to acknowledge it, he couldn't. He wasn't ready to accept it yet, especially with how strange it was for him to live. He didn't want to face it, not at all. He never meant to live. Never wanted to believe they really were in a simulation because it made everything so pointless...

Focusing in the hysterical laughter of his alternate wasn't pleasant, but it somehow snapped him out of his murderous urges. The cracked, shrieky sounds were grating on his nerves, but for some unknown reason it calmed down the strange need to claw at the person.

Feeling a bit guilty for injuring himself, Komaeda eventually gave out his hand to help the other get up, and stood up a bit awkwardly in front of him, almost asking if he was okay but stopping himself just in time.

The man took a few minutes to recover, his head bleeding quite a lot (ah he must have hit him harder than he thought, to open the skull accidentally) but then only stared at him with a gentle gaze, seemingly interested but without making any move out of the blue.

“I'm surprised. You're more impulsive than I thought.” he finally uttered after ogling Komaeda for so long it was definitely creepy and there was a wish he could still be angry, or at least scornful, but there was no scoff left in his voice when he replied.

“So much happened, even if I don't have the memories anymore there's still despair left in my putrid body.”

He couldn't have mistaken the visible widening of the other's eyes, as if all the information he was giving was the contrary of what was believed at first and of course it made him question how and why the older one searched on him but it was an empty wonder anyway.

“You can't remember this despairing experience? You… what have you lived?” the laughter that followed was uncontrollable and frankly desperate, though it was tainted with pure, genuine amusement. “I can't believe you know nothing of the underworld. You have no idea how much life can hurt.”

“I've killed everybody close to me.” it seemed to be the only appropriate answer, with the raise of his eyebrows. 

It wasn't an offended reaction, but a lack of understanding. Wasn't it a bit ironical to throw out these words at him? Oh, he wasn't complaining of his life. He's gone to the best school of the country, by the side of the most talented teenagers. Of course everything was ruined then, it couldn't remain so perfect. Everything needed to be balanced, just like before. Take a life, give money. Bring a trauma, bring more money. Kill this empty shell slowly, give the most hopeful opportunity. To say to him he didn't know pain was strange. But still the man was laughing at his claims as if it was the biggest overstatement he'd ever heard.

“That's just a glimpse of how bad it can turn. You were lucky to be preserved for so long, so lucky the world didn't spit on you like it did on me. You're so blissfully unaware of how bad it can turn.” 

The tone was one of incredulity, as if he couldn't believe how little he'd lived and Komaeda was quite dumbfounded if he were to be honest. If this was him, his older self, what could have been so different? It didn't make much sense.

“What turned you like this?”

The man didn't even seem to hear him, and continued his rant seemingly without expecting answer, his eyes slightly hollow. “Remember me as the Servant. Ha, you shouldn't ask about this name if you don't want to know what you did during your Despair days. Though I imagine it was really toned down for you, even if this time wasn't the worst. I wonder if your Future Foundation has records on a flesh eater. You'll ask them for me when you'll wake up, won't you?”

Servant grabbed his collar without any warning, pulling him close. He seemed to be searching for something in his eyes, and perhaps he found it or didn't find anything he disliked because the next second he was kissing him. It was tasteless at first, and incredibly dull for something that was supposed to be so nice between loved ones – but could he expect anything from himself? – until the older one decided to level up the game by adding his tongue, merely pushing against Komaeda's lips who, for some strange reason, parted them without much thought.

And it was better, he guessed. Definitely sweeter, more breathtaking, with a bitter aftertaste that only came when the kiss ended, to let another one begin. It wasn't particularly what Komaeda wanted, but he couldn't bring himself to push away the man. Himself was a mix of contradictions and misplaced desires and he was dead in this world so who cared what happened? Especially with how the other swirled his tongue, making him feel dizzy and lightheaded. That was strange, wasn't it? It definitely was.

Somewhere in the middle of this fucked up make out session, Servant took out a bottle of whatever he'd been carrying, opening it before drinking half of it. At least, that's what Komaeda thought before he was tugged in another passionate kiss, and there was far more liquid than usual so he was forced to swallow as not to choke. It didn't please him at all, to think the other would allow himself to push him to drink some unknown, suspicious substance through such a way. It was disgustingly low and cowardly, not to give it to him directly. Typically what he could expect from himself.

It was annoying, and now that they definitely parted to take some distance, the luckster could only concentrate on the ringing in his head and the sudden difficulty to take a normal breath. Why did he even let the situation escalate to this point? He could have stopped it sooner, and definitely should have.

“What is this?” he asked, mildly displeased but the only answer he received was a smirk and a typical reply along the lines of “guess by yourself.”

The urge to outright pout – like Nanami would in this situation – was far too strong but he only sighed, though it came out more as a gruff.

“Don't be so disappointed, you finally get some peace.” 

It would be more convincing if it came from another mouth than his repulsively liar's one, but it was better than nothing Komaeda figured. Especially since Servant took his own words seriously enough to go sit a bit further, silent and smiling just slightly. Pleasantly. It almost got him tricked at appreciating the man; though this was another lie yet again. He could never appreciate **himself**.

Time passed slowly, or maybe not. It was impossible to tell anyway if such a concept even existed in such a place; not when the knowledge of both of their existence was absent as well. But after what _felt_ like several minutes spent in complete silence, a refreshing serenity that brought peace of mind, Komaeda got a bit fidgety. It was getting a bit too pleasing, a bit too hot, a feeling certainly not caused by the atmosphere of this dull, empty place. 

In fact it was getting definitely too enjoyable, to the point where he didn't even know what was so satisfying. What was so great again?

“I see you really like silence. Were you always so stoic, I wonder.”

His foggy mind had difficulties shaping the words, understanding them, let alone form a coherent answer. He definitely didn't feel like feigning stoicism right now. Though perhaps he seemed a bit cold compared to Servant, still smiling. He used to be like this too, but he didn't feel like pretending in front of himself.

“Out of everything, what you hated the most was her voice. Too childish, high pitched, annoying. But oh when you found someone whose throat only produced low whispers, they got you wrapped around their pinky in an instant, without even having to try. You were attracted so easily.” it was wrong, it was definitely false. Or perhaps it wasn't, perhaps he was a memory he'd lost while the other didn't.

It seemed like something he could do. He'd loved Hinata's warm tone anyway, so it wouldn't be surprising if he was always like this. His own voice wasn't so bad if he were to admit one quality he had, soft enough to be lulling. He hummed half in approbation, half just to catch the other's attention; hoping the hint would be clear enough. Komaeda really didn't want Servant to stop talking, his words were engrossing (especially with how clearly he could picture himself) and making his arousal a bit more legitimate.

“You were so desperate too. Searching for an owner. You should have seen yourself, so shameless just to lose yourself. It was ridiculous, but you could never calm your desires.”

It was amusing to say the least, to hear the one wearing a _chain_ saying such words, but then they really were the same person. The picture was getting clearer and he felt as a mere spectator, a bystander watching what used to be his own behavior. It was so easy to imagine himself wanting to be claimed as someone's, and somehow he still wanted it. What a shame the only one in this place was himself.

Perhaps he'd started to twitch just a little on the floor, the pressure becoming a bit too much, white hot pleasure coursing through his body as blood pounded hard in his head and he had to toss away his jacket if he didn't want the heat to become unbearable. He didn't expect **this** from himself, but the other was apparently determined on making him writhe.

“Do you always have this **thing** on yourself?”

“Um? You're talking about this?” Servant smiled before showing off the now half empty bottle as if he wanted to make him read the writings. “Of course. Who knows when I might need it.”

That was definitely stranger. Huh. What were they doing it again? Servant was definitely really weird for a version of him. Komaeda could hardly think about carrying around such a drug. They were so different, for the same person. Was it the reason why he wasn't totally repulsed by the current situation? Or was it simply the effect of that drug Servant didn't even seem to be affected by? Probably the latter. It was making him even more depraved than usual, shaking just a little on the floor, desperate to alleviate the pressure. 

So of course the other – who always had to make it worse for him – approached once again without leaving any room for Komaeda to push him away, and started to tie him up. The luckster immediately panicked, struggling and trashing around, far too anxious at the idea of being restrained. It would so awful, he wouldn't even be able to tone it down, to stop if it went too far.

“Calm down, stop being so jumpy. What's the worst you could expect from yourself? I don't need to pretend for you to know I'm not here to hurt you.”

It didn't help much, especially since he didn't stop making the knots. Komaeda hated being so vulnerable, unable to move his hands and exposed to another's person gaze, even if it was just Servant. It was still mortifying, and extremely unpleasant. Was preventing him to scratch anymore the man's skin part of the aim of such a daring move? Or was it solely to embarrass him?

“There, stop being so fidgety. As if you've never experienced that!” it was so odd, how much the other knew him better than himself. Even if he used to be Servant, it was very strange he knew about something Komaeda didn't even.

“I don't know. I… can't remember.”

Servant appeared struck dumb again, but quickly won back his composure, sitting down in front of him and pressing his foot on his crotch still wearing this self-sufficient smirk. Komaeda's reaction was immediate and anything but moderate. It would make him cringe in any other situation, but there he couldn't stop the breathy moan nor the jerk of his muscles at the sudden pleasure that made his toes curl, leaving him even more desperate. 

“Look at yourself, you're really debauched. I guess this aphrodisiac was more potent than I thought. Or perhaps you were deprived for so long you just starve for this. Even if it's yourself.”

The sentence was punctuated with little contacts of varied intensity that made him breathless within seconds, his body twitching heavily every time. He didn't have to suppress his physical reactions after all, it didn't matter what himself could think of him.

The other appeared to grow bored of this though, and eventually retracted his foot, simply sitting in front of Komaeda observing him with raised eyebrows and truly looking far too innocent for what he was doing. It felt as if Servant had caught him doing something inappropriate, and was currently judging his moral principles.

“Now tell me. What happened during the kidnapping?” Servant asked out of the blue, leaning down between his legs so dangerously close until his body was standing only thanks to Komaeda's, completely pushing against his crotch. It was getting really hard to focus for the latter whose body was craving so much, grinding against the large hips pressed right on his arousal, unable to contain the broken gasps and urgent moans. He really needed more than this, but the only touches that were granted to him were barely enough to satisfy. 

It seemed he was taking too long to answer, because a smirk twisted once again Servant's features before he continued his excruciating, sensual teasing. Komaeda's back arched and he threw his head back, exhaling harshly as a hand slipped through his pants far too easily, pushing them off to his ankles along with his boxers before pressing again in a volatile, fluid motion without nearly bringing the pleasure he was lusting for. He was so desperate he was humping, trying to push the contact further but as soon as it came it was taken from him, the hand was fleeing, mocking him. 

Every time he tried to level up the game Servant wouldn't allow him, laughing in his ear and sucking on his neck, making him grow so frustrated, denying him any satisfaction, leaving him in this eternally wanting state. It was getting worse every second until the man stopped every single friction and Komaeda finally understood he really wanted an answer.

“Nothing! Nothing happened, he beat me, kept me there a few days and then realized nobody gave a shit and there wasn't any ransom coming so he released me.” the begging wasn't vocalized yet, but the way his body arched underneath the other's, trembling in unsatisfied desire, didn't leave much to imagination.

It appeared to cut a string, and Servant started to laugh hysterically again, holding his hands in front of him; leaving Komaeda completely vulnerable, unable to do anything by himself.

“I understand now, I understand why you're so unfamiliar with this! I can't believe they released you, I can't believe it was so easy!” he whispered to himself, looking right at the floor before turning back to the luckster again.

He was far less subtle this time, sitting directly on Komaeda's lap before starting to bite on his neck again, the motions more passionate, far more pleasurable. The white haired boy started to grind slowly and forcefully, glad he wasn't stopped this time, frenzied gasps ripped out of him. 

“I wasn't.” Servant eventually whispered when he started to reciprocate, bucking up against him, making the friction all the more enjoyable. It was beginning to feel greater than Komaeda had imagined it would, tension building up between them. “I was kept in this room for more than a year, and sold out to a mafia.”

It was difficult to focus, and even less to bring himself to care. Why did it matter anyway? Komaeda just wanted for his desire to be satisfied, for this drug's effects to diminish. “It caused me to become what I am today.” the anticipative tone made it clear he had to respond once again if he wanted for this to continue, and no begging would make it change.

“Haa… hhh-- a sex worker?” it was the only possibility after all, and would explain so many things. The too fitting clothes, the aphrodisiac. _The chain that was just a clear sign, waiting to be pulled_. All these comments. The gracious way he'd move, the sheer easiness to touch in such a fashion.

“Exactly.” 

It didn't look so satisfying for the other. Komaeda couldn't tell if he was ashamed of it or if he hated it or a mix of both with something in between, but suddenly Servant's smile was really hollow – the luckster knew perfectly how he smiled, when it was more a facade than a genuine reaction of happiness – and it was very unpleasant. Not only because it made him a huge jerk, to keep this on while the other was clearly thinking about something else, but also because it totally ruined the atmosphere but he was still desperately needy and this was the worst that could happen.

“You don't have anymore services to give here.”

The other laughed again, as he already did far too many times since the beginning of their meeting – Komaeda was starting to grow a headache but then it wasn't really true since his head was just mostly foggy with pleasure than anything else – but it seemed more genuine this time, as if he was truly amused. It might actually be the first time the sound was so pure, tinkly; making up for all the grim giggles and unhappy chuckles. Well, the luckster couldn't judge him on that, considering how he also used the coping mechanism far too much to dare pretend it wasn't an internalized act.

Somehow it made Komaeda a bit glad, to know he was able to make someone – himself – feel even slightly better, as ridiculous as it sounded. Of course he had this knowledge for the person in front of him. But most of all he couldn't bear for the other to keep this grieving, hollow smile because he didn't want to stop but had enough moral principles not to be a total asshole.

It was difficult to imagine what would have caused himself to become a sex worker. It was hard to say, with how different they were, and even if Servant told him he probably would have issues acknowledging him. It was as if they were poles apart, for alternates. They were really nothing like each other.

He was almost completely naked at this point, except for the shirt he didn't insist on getting rid on, without giving any explication, though it would be a bit more comfortable. If Servant was smart enough he would guess by himself why he'd rather keep it on, and if he couldn't and it bothered him that much he'd have to ask by himself. Not that Komaeda would answer anyway but it still gave him a pretense of control over the whole situation.

It was reassuring (more than it should be), even if he didn't want to admit it. It was himself, it was nothing else than himself but still… the sole idea of being entirely passive, to give up on himself and submit… It was terrifying. Even after his death it seemed he really was unable to let anyone handle him… he didn't know how the other could even function.

He couldn't ponder much more though, as Servant cut his thoughts.

“I wondered at first how people could stand such intimate contact with me. But when you're in this business, you understand quickly very few care, as long as they have a hole to fuck from someone that looks desirable enough to waste their money on. It really is deplorable, but I guess I'm no better. You however...”

Servant let the supposed end of his sentence linger as he tugged at the shirt, and though he really hadn't intend to take it off, Komaeda let himself be stripped out of it without caring much about the scars that would be revealed. The action barely reduced the heat for his already burning body the other was working on to make it worse, immediately going back to eager ministrations on his chest. Komaeda's whimpers increased in volume and intervals, barely able to stand the teasing touch on his oversensitive skin.

“You claim yourself to be a sinner, a killer, but look at yourself. You are so untainted.” the hand brushing on his nipples got rougher, pinching them and rolling them as Servant went back to his neck, licking and sucking on pressure points that made Komaeda writhe, adamant on leaving his mark. “Your innocence is mine.”

And he was too far gone to deny anything. It was exactly what he wanted after all. Komaeda keened, high and almost painful with his ragged breath when the other leaned between his legs, lowering his head before rubbing his cheek too slowly against Komaeda's aching arousal.

“Please me.” he whined, pretty and pathetic, begging Servant to solve the problem he'd created himself.

Unsurprisingly, it didn't take him long at all to lose his mind and moan out with abandon, letting out loud, broken sobs without any care as he came down the other's throat. He was genuinely exhausted, now that the drug's effects were starting to wear off, and didn't really want to protest when he noticed from the corner of his eye his alternate swallow before tugging the pants back on his hips. Komaeda couldn't deny he found it a bit disgusting, but he didn't feel like pointing it out, especially with the way Servant simply untied him, sitting down next to him and the absence of his smile suddenly made things way more hollow, ruining his afterglow.

Ah, this was hopeless. They could waste as much time as they wanted on each other, but it wouldn't change anything in the end, wouldn't it? No matter how they messed around each other, neither of them could better their situation.

“You're tired of pretending, aren't you?” Komaeda asked, knowing he was on the right track. There must have been a reason for the other to keep this name, instead of asking to be called with his real name. It made no sense, considering he was in front of nobody else than himself. “Why don't you use your real name?”

“I can't. Illegal stuff matters even when the world reaches an almost end, and the record would be far too long for me. I don't even exist anymore. This name is nothing.”

Komaeda remained silent for a few minutes, watching Servant bend his back until his head was resting on his hands. He looked exhausted, and worn out. It was strange, for someone like him to be so helpless. Or was it what he looked like when he was despairing? It was a bit pathetic, but he should have expected it from someone like him.

“You're just like me. You should have died sooner.” 

It seemed Servant didn't have the energy to refute this statement, because his only answer was the shallow smile, as meaningless as everything they clung to. As meaningless as their lives. This place was really boring and useless. How annoying none of them could live.

“So you know if I'm dead or not?” Servant shook his head, and with the look Komaeda was given it was insinuated the other didn't even know if himself was. Perhaps they were both already dead, and this was purgatory. How fitting of them. But wasn't it too simple?

“Something will make us leave this place at some time though. Probably. We didn't come out of nowhere.”

“Ah. You'll forget, won't you?” Servant replied, pretending disinterest but the glitter of hollowness in his eyes didn't went unnoticed.

“What is it? You would like me to come back to you? You want company from someone like me?” it felt a bit childish asking like this, but the scowl distorting the older's features was satisfying.

“What if I do? Don't pretend you're not lonely yourself. Besides it's not like you're special, I know what to expect from you, what you're made of. You can't be worse than me anyway.”

“That's true, you're selfish, twisted and demanding. But you're better than nobody. It would be interesting to meet you again.” Servant almost snorted at the choice of words, and Komaeda was quite sure he muttered something along the lines of _interesting, sure._ “This is fucked up but I want to see you more than this. In another place.”

His alternate got up, and extended his hand, smiling.

“We don't get a much of a say in this, with how destroyed our minds are.”

The luckster took the grip without any hesitation, and the tug to put him on his feet felt like coming out of the water, breathing deeply for the first time in a while.

Komaeda opened his eyes to a shadow looming over him, in another room without another himself anymore. 

“Komaeda? Did you.. Did you finally woke up?”

He smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god i can't believe i really wrote that  
> shit


	5. Desires and Disasters part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We could switch." he proposed, a strange glimmer in his eyes. "You will be the one watching, waiting, and I'll keep the show running for you. To keep everybody entertained."
> 
> So. What do you think?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter makes no sense so the only thing i can say is fuck science. you're welcome.  
> Also I'm going to make a chapter or more around the fanfiction Adaptation by shishooter. Look it up if you don't know it!  
> I'll be continuing in the meantime the series about Immortal Komaeda and this series about the weirdest selfcest you've ever seen.  
> Should I also write again (cause i lost my notes) this AU I started about a relationship Hinata and Ko would have on the island that would be ~~very~~ kinda fucked up. In both meanings.  
>  Tell me in the comments please! also if you have a special request you can tell me about it! Or you can tell me which series you would like to see first.   
> Okay I'm done enjoy this!

It had been quite a while since he was awake. He didn't know exactly, keeping track of time was difficult, especially when he'd spent so much alone in the hospital, by himself because the Future Foundation and the survivors had better to do than to care about someone like him. 

Of course, some students were still comatose – or were they really after all this time? – and many of them had important problems to take care of. Not that he didn't but… Komaeda understood why they deemed it better to leave him there. 

His presence was rather unbearable after all, so he wouldn't even be surprised to learn everybody already left (he had no contact with them whatsoever) though he shouldn't doubt them. It was not his place to doubt the Ultimates, no matter what they all had been. Not anymore.

Yet he couldn't help being sour about it, about being brought back to the world to be abandoned, left out again in some stinky place, stuck by himself, always always remaining in this damn hospital where he was caged like an animal awaiting his execution. Why exactly was it necessary to take him out of his coma if it was to leave him there without a care? He should not complain, definitely not, but he'd never been one to deal well with frustration.

He was quite sure none of the doctor's actions were helping his state anyway; after all they just kept watching him over and over, running scans and monitoring his every moves as if he were something akin to a prisoner (he hated that) even if he knew he would be worse on the outside. 

It was his fault though if they weren't doing anything : he had to consent to every surgery and the only one he agreed to was the removal of the putrid, decayed hand to replace it with a barely functional mechanical limb ; and it already took him a hard time to take this decision. He couldn't let anyone touch him, not after these memories came back, twisted and wretched, leaving him curled up, cowering and fleeing every physical contact.

The hospital really did nothing for his sake, despite the auto-proclaimed psychologist who truly wasn't skilled enough for his job.

Komaeda couldn't help despising him, that worthless man pretending to be gifted, faking talent. 

It only served at making him feel worse and worse, less motivated in everything each and every day, and it was easy to notice with the sheer feeling of helplessness crushing him ; that made him start to pick at his skin again when he thought that habit had died for long.

He truly hated the hospital, and the place along with its employees hated him back. They spoke harsh, loud hisses, running their dirty mouths on his back. Oh he didn't mind, neither did he bothered enough to correct them on their petty rumors ; especially since he couldn't really. His memory of despair was flawed, incomplete, and there was no way to tell if anything was wrong or not.

However, they weren't speaking lies when they spew harsh hisses about his loneliness. Right, even his fellow criminals didn't want to see his face; not even them cared about someone as annoying as him. Ah well it was inaccurate again, Hinata did care, as unintentionally as he could, pretending he hadn't been waiting for him to wake up; but the result might as well be the same considering how he couldn't even visit.

Komaeda was in a _“too fragile state”_ apparently, and someone else presence could truly make him feel way worse than better. Needless to say, perfect bullshit. True, he had never been too extroverted but lacking company for months wasn't the healthiest thing in the world. He knew it far too well, he'd played the social ghost for years, and didn't want to be kept in one place again. Definitely not.

Perhaps it was these people's vengeance on the former terrorists who took down the world. He was at fault, he was to blame for this as the fourteen others. The “doctors” were probably very resentful towards them – it had to be expected, and he wouldn't be surprised to hear it – and took advantage of his own situation to worsen it. Taking their petty revenge on the only available person who would be oh so easy to break if always kept in their hands.

He wanted to shrug at the absurdity of it all. As if it would bring them any satisfaction to drag him on the ground, he was already at his lowest after all. Pathetic, miserable, worthless. Without any possible use. A broken toy, you could say. 

He'd liked to think he was more than that, before he just… stopped caring. The luckster knew how helpless he was in his own situation, and didn't have any hope to change it, nor despair in living it. As if… his own ideals had been shattered. It should hurt, shouldn't it?

Yet, it didn't.

Despair fitted him. His low self. But it couldn't apply to him anymore, because there was no way he could despair into nothingness. And this was his universe. Simple, utter nil. 

There was solely emptiness in this colorless room, smelling too clean, looking too plain, not letting any other noise than his own breathing – and god only knows silence is so hard to stop when you're used to it –tasting like air and nothing else.

He felt so hollow… Not necessarily sad, not really happy, desperately wanting to leave yet finding himself not caring about staying… For sure, he didn't like his treatment, but he didn't mind it either. In fact, he was devoid of any emotion, any sensation. An empty shell.

And the worst (though it wasn't really) was his inability to bother about how increasingly bored he was becoming. It wasn't a usual symptom, it wasn't anything he'd experienced before, but then if his dementia kept progressing when he wasn't conscious, could be explained so simply?

(No. He knew it wasn't. But it was terrifying to acknowledge, far too much for someone who'd become too unused to feel anything else than apathy. Was this his own well deserved despair?)

He could count the days, couldn't he? Count them, count the time. Count for us, Servant, won't you? Wait wait, your time will come. Until then, count diligently, right?

No. It was aimless. Giving himself an estimation of all the time he wasted – alone, in this room, alive, anything really – had no finality except than doing it. Albeit, perfectly pointless, and he wouldn't do it. He was tired of being so futile, he wanted something for once. Something that would serve a purpose. Ah, how great would it sound, to have an aim, to be searching for something? Ill fitted for him, wasn't it?

Haha. How laughable. Why was he so stupid, even after all this time?

“Ah, the most foolish I could ever do… I'd like to feel again.”

Then he really laughed, cackled all by himself because nobody else was hearing him and he was truly amazingly wretched and despicable.

Perhaps a nearby doctor heard him, or perhaps they were just so done with him they wanted him away for at least good hour without really caring of what could happen as long as he wasn't being so weird around them, because the next thing he knew one of them almost dragged him to the bathroom and spitted he had to get clean.

Not used to the noise, far less the harsh tone, Komaeda squinted before nodding, walking a few steps away from the man. He was annoying, he was making him feel… uncomfortable. He didn't like this feeling, one of the rare ones that still affected him.

Thankfully the doctor didn't linger in the room, he was gone as soon as he finished talking, slamming the door shut, letting the luckster sigh in relief before his gaze unconsciously drifted to the wide reflecting surface displaying a face that was just like him… But not his.

_I'd forgotten about him_ , Komaeda realized, feeling only the slightest hint of guilt at his insistence to avoid mirrors ever since he'd woken up from his coma. He truly wondered why he was so distressed at the sole idea of it. 

It would have made things better from his side if he had looked sooner, he would have had someone to talk to. Ha, though perhaps it'd have made him look even more as a lunatic if he had started to talk to his own reflection. Not that it mattered anyway, the doctors could think whatever they wanted of him.

The mirror was showing the same clothes the other wore in their last meeting, an undetermined time ago – a week, a month, a year? Each day was an eternity in itself. That chain that fascinated him as much as it ran shivers up his spine was still hanging, and Servant was still bringing far too much attention on it. 

But more importantly, there was a hand extended to him and Komaeda couldn't just reject it, especially when said limb literally went through the glass as if it were immaterial, taking a rather weak hold on his left sleeve that was very real in itself, tugging slightly – and the sole perception made it very clear this was not a dream by any means.

And although he couldn't deny his surprise, Komaeda was really quick to accept the contradictions between the two worlds. This was the first interesting thing to happen – for what? Days, weeks, months? 

Who cared, why would he bother with time when he didn't even spare a glance at it when his life expectancy was drastically dropping – and he didn't intend to let it go. No, he would not give up on this rare opportunity.

So he took the other's hand and followed him into the mirror.

And of course, because it was Servant, as soon as they were again in the same space the other filled up the silence that was so rarely broken around him, which was as annoying as refreshing with how unusual it was.

“You took so long to come back! I thought you wouldn't.” Servant whined probably as childishly as he could.

“Unfortunately, I was a bit too restrained to come down here. The nurses are always breathing on my neck you know? They barely allow me to be alone in the bathroom, afraid I'd try to drown myself perhaps” he mused, sighing in annoyance. 

It was a very rational thought, and he couldn't even deny he'd mused what would happen if he did, before they realized what he might do. They (Hinata) knew him far too well, Komaeda couldn't remember the last time somebody had been able to predict his actions. How annoying.

He knew of course Hinata was behind it all. Who else could it be, to be able to tell when such thoughts would cross his mind, to advice doctors to give him something to spend the time – mostly books and it made his days slightly easier to bear – to ask them to leave him more by himself than remaining around him? 

Komaeda is observant, and he has nothing else to do than watch and notice the differences. Hinata's presence was almost overwhelming in his hospital room, though the reserver never showed up yet.

“It'd have been such a convenient way to escape this boring, never-ending routine of silence and isolation, of course they had to take it from me. Anyway, I didn't even know how to come.” he rambled a bit, far too interested in the prospect of finally being able to enjoy somebody's company. 

Even if it was nothing but himself, truly he was a bit desperate since it didn't matter the slightest for him. And he wouldn't be denying anymore how pleasantly surprising the other could be.

“At least you were in a place with… something. It's so empty out there.” Servant pouted, before turning serious again. “I wonder how come I could never seem to leave. I could blame it on you I guess, since it's your presence that brought me out there, but it'd be pointless wouldn't it?” the taller sighed a bit dramatically.

Wasn't it fascinating how poles apart they were? In almost the same situation, Komaeda had grown cold, unfeeling and completely uncaring while Servant was simply… well as extroverted Komaeda remembered him to be. Making an act out of his own boredom and purposelessness. How amusing to notice their differences.

Yet… when the luckster thought of it, it was truly strange how the other never sounded... weird, out of place, perturbing, contrary to how himself would whenever he'd express himself as he considered everybody did, and would get awfully negative reaction. 

Servant was so strangely normal for another version of himself, or perhaps he wasn't and it was just him who could never tell what didn't cross the norms and values line.

Would normal people be so cheerful in this situation, akin to when they received gifts? Hah, he didn't deserve such attention, even from himself. To presume his presence was appreciated was as misguided as laughable anyway.

“You hate this place, don't you?” the taller asked, curiosity and excitement obvious on his face. Komaeda merely nodded, not bothering to deny. “Then how about that. We could switch. You won't do anything less around here, and you won't have to stand these doctors endlessly grating on your nerves.”

The idea was enticing, to say the least. A nice thought, a nice dream. But to make it real?

“They will notice, now way they won't. They aren't blind you know? You're taller, you're far less skinny, your clothes are different, your behavior is offsetting… Completely opposite to mine. Need you really cause so much trouble?”

“Let them notice then; who cares?! It'll be my own problem to solve, you won't have to worry about it. At least it'll be entertaining for me. I wonder if _Hinata-kun_ will show up.” he emphasized the name as if its owner was the most important thing for Komaeda; and it wasn't far from the truth, with how little he possessed.

The luckster flushed, embarrassed by the insinuation though clearly, there had been nothing between the both of them on the island. Selfishly, perhaps he would have liked it to be, even if he shouldn't ever dream of it. But it didn't matter anymore.

“What a shame he never existed for me; or perhaps he did but in your school I've never been part of. I guess Izuru was fascinating enough, albeit a bit cold but his arrogance was well deserved and he definitely was interesting to be around, when he could stand my presence. That is, until he disappeared.”

Komaeda pretended to ponder for a moment even if they both knew his decision was taken from the start. Of course. Of course he wanted to escape. It would be far more entertaining to watch the other mess around than being restrained himself.

He couldn't help but wonder if anybody would notice, or if he wanted someone to notice. A proof to himself nobody cared? He knew that for long enough not to need it. Perhaps it would make things chaotic for him when he will come back, but at least it would make his situation shift. That's right, from this point on he didn't care if the change was positive or not as long as it occurred.

“We could swap roles, if you crave so much for company.” Komaeda muttered, mirroring the proposition that was welcomed by both sides since its wording.

“However, don't go around blaming me if I mess up with your relationships. You know how I am.” and the most fitted reply was probably the snort Komaeda let out so easily. How strange, how simple it was to converse with Servant. How peculiar, for a logical thing. They were the same person, but at the same time not at all.

Identity issues were a bit bound to happen with the two of them. Of course.

Would Hinata suffer from the same if he met his alter ego as well? It was a strange thought it itself, to presume it was possible they could find themselves in front of each other, wasn't it? But then Komaeda was in this situation, and he decided to just stop questioning. None of them had any answer, not that it would change much anyway. It was a detail as unnecessary as trivial.

“You'll have to use my name you know? As uncomfortable as it might be for you. Can't you really have one, even if it's similar to mine?” 

Servant reply was harsh and immediate, annoyance tainting his voice.

“Call me however you like, it doesn't matter, I have far too many names anyway. Nobody has called me by my real name for long. But it's only natural since I don't even have one.”

“Do you wish so much to hide who you are?” Komaeda raised his eyebrow, surprised by the abundance of identities. Was it really… necessary?

“Ah I can't deny this. But most importantly, I have no proper existence. Nagito Komaeda was assumed dead after the police researches were unsuccessful. The few people who knew me believed the kidnapper killed me, even if – well – my corpse wasn't found.”

“Don't you like the convenience of it? If you don't exist, then nobody can judge you for your crimes.”

“Useful isn't it? But deadly. The underworld eats you alive if you're not ready for it. And nobody can be. Losing your identity and having to fake it is far lonelier than you seem to think. No partners, only fleeting faces, no friends, nobody around. Well I survived. But I didn't live, and I still don't. In the end, stealing your identity is my only chance at keeping the pretense of existing, no matter what your own crimes are.”

“Of course you wouldn't blame yourself. Really, can't you question my actions even a bit more? You make it sound as if it was perfectly normal and legitimate to destroy the world along with the Ultimate Despair as I did.”

“We all have circumstances. If you're searching for somebody with moral standards you can keep looking. I don't even know how much illegal stuff I did, and believe me I regret very few. Where could I start the list? You're probably aware of my life conditions.”

It is really him, Komaeda noted with bemusement. Similar way of thinking, similar lack of guilt over what they have done. It wasn't completely true, he was still waking up in cold sweat, panicked for a second before apathy took over him again, haunted by pictures of dead he couldn't tell whether he caused them or not. Probably. 

But also probably not. He rarely remembers killing by himself, he preferred by far manipulating fragile minds and push them over the edge, feeling the familiar taste of satisfaction when they offed themselves without even needing his physical help; as something he did but not quite.

It was incredibly cynical of him to think this way wasn't it? Even in despair, he was still this abject being. Who else could feel accomplished after driving somebody to a suicide? There was little doubt in his mind he was the only one to have done that in their whole group, with Junko. 

Another resemblance with that wretched girl he'd rather just forget and deny. He scowled, feeling faintly irritated. Even years after her death she kept on being this kind of pain that'd never get away. Her memory was far too resilient for a mere annoying bug.

“Don't look so grim, it happens and that's all. You killed, that's right. So what, now are you dead? Are you still killing? Then get over yourself a bit and stop acting like an old carpet. I don't think your problem is caused by a desire to redeem yourself. You look more upset by the sole fact of being alive in fact.”

Komaeda didn't bother feigning surprise. There was no telling since when Servant was observing him, waiting for the best moment to make him come through the glass, so he probably saw more than the luckster would have liked to show. Well it was done now.

“I might as well go now, they'll eventually find out about your disappearance if both of us stay around here for too long. Well, I need your clothes.” Servant stated very straightforwardly, handing his own to Komaeda and if the older hadn't been so blunt, non bothered the slightest by the fact that he was almost naked, the luckster might have found it awkward to watch himself strip down.

“Call me whenever you feel like it! I'll probably have to break in the bathroom more often that what they'll allow me, but they're gonna have to adapt; this won't be their biggest problem.” Servant exclaimed, giggling like a child. He seemed so excited even if the prospect wasn't so bright. How strange.

(As if he were one to talk. This was _himself_ , after all)

And then the other was gone, suddenly vanished through the glass and Komaeda settled down in a comfortable position to observe Servant through the many mirrors this otherwise empty room was filled with. A very wide smile, a small laugh. A surprised, displeased glance from a nearby nurse and very soon whispers running through the entire staff. There had been a change.

Komaeda let his lips being tugged up by a hint of amusement. 

For sure. This was going to be interesting.


	6. Darling, you're a goner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year's Eve was supposed to be joyous right? To be festive.  
> He didn't really want to hold such a party in this gloomy atmosphere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't honor my new trend of posting bittersweet on Christmas so I do it now. You're welcome.  
> WELCOME TO 2K16 HELL

“You're not really Hinata, are you?”

He should have expected it. He definitely should have, as they were all told the comatose students might only get fragments of memory back. Messy recollections that wouldn't be helping at all the feeling of hopelessness crushing them when they will realize what they have done. And, of course it was worse on Komaeda. Of course. Why didn't he think of it before? He should have known, with his illnesses Komaeda was far more akin to confuse them and not really recognize them.

It still hurt, because it was the third month he was coming everyday and the other didn't even seem to acknowledge his existence. To notice, to realize it was him all along. Hinata didn't need to be invisible for another person again.

Komaeda is delusional, he understands. Komaeda remembers things that never occurred, unimportant faces he might have seen but shouldn't have noticed as it wasn't relevant at all. And especially… Komaeda is not himself. He isn't acting like in the simulation, nor the way Izuru barely remembers him, which proves to Hinata once again how clueless he is about him. He doesn't know the luckster. Not at all.

But it still feels… off when the other ignores him. Not pretend he isn't here, telling him he's not worthy of attention because he's just a mere, hopeless reserve student as he did before. Straightforwardly ignoring him, as well as his surroundings and the whole world. As if he were… apart. Unreachable.

The thought is painful and unpleasant.

Hinata still brings food. Pushes tiny pieces of fruits to the mouth, forces gently until the taller's lips part naturally and the necessary meal disappear from sight. But Komaeda still doesn't react. He barely breathes by himself, wheezes a lot, often coughing and the sound terrifies Hinata because he can't help thinking it is as if Komaeda was already dying. He was, somehow. And yet, the point of it all was to revive him. To offer him a new life, after so many month in the coma. But it doesn't seem to work.

So Hinata brush his hair, knowing how messy it can be after so many hours spent lying down on a hospital bed. But Komaeda barely acknowledge his existence, only slightly turning his head when the reserver incite the movement.

So Hinata speaks, he tells tales about their whole new life on the island, the future foundation. He speaks hopeful words about the world, how it was slowly getting better, how they were slightly contributing. But he has never been so good with words, and the luckster **doesn't ever listen.** Or perhaps he does. Hinata doesn't know which one would be worse.

And when some alarm goes on, he calls the doctors and the nurses. He asks them to fix it, and he feels helpless because while the machines surrounding Komaeda can easily be repaired, their receptor cannot. Especially not by him.

[One day, a particularly bold nurse goes to him. She asks him why he keeps coming, since Komaeda so obviously doesn't care. But he doesn't hold the answers, and knows no way to make the white haired teen spit it out. So he shrugs, and goes back to the room.]

It wasn't how he imagined spending New Year's Eve. Komaeda always managed to surprise him, he guessed. Though this wasn't such a good one. He could be with the others, he told himself once again, after feeding the luckster and asking questions that would never be answered. He could eat with the others, instead of taking a small meal, strangely embarrassed to even eat next to someone who couldn't really (only very small bits of food). He could talk with the others, instead of letting this uncomfortable silence linger, making him want to scream in frustration.

But he promised. He promised he would help Komaeda, because really? Who else could? If even himself was failing, barely getting signs of recognition, and the doctors couldn't get past the cold, unresponsive facade, nobody else would bring him back.

[It was awful. An awful thought, a despairing situation. Komaeda was a fragrant of their past most wanted to get rid of, and as much as Hinata was trying to get him to change, there wasn't ever any progress. It was hopeless. Their own new beginning was the end for Komaeda, and he was the only one who couldn't accept it yet, the only one to try desperately even though he knew it didn't and would never work]

Eventually he powers on a laptop Naegi left for him, picking a movie to fill the silence. For a while, it feels slightly less dreadful. But Hinata can't even fool himself. There is no way out of it, no escape, no chance. It is a lost cause, from the beginning, and he's only trying to deny as much as he can while being so terribly aware of it.

Hinata sighs, the intoxicating silence suddenly getting him out of his thoughts. Right. The movie is over, and as always Komaeda is looking at him even if it always feels as if he's looking through him more than focusing on him. As if he can see him but not really. Well. He isn't important for Komaeda, obviously, which hurts again because the statement could never apply the other way around. Which is why he keeps coming. He's ridiculously attached to the luckster, and can't just accept the fact that he's fading away, no matter how ineluctable it is.

“Hey Komaeda. Happy New Year.”

“...last.” Komaeda croaks out, before losing his voice in a fit of painful coughs.

Right. Right. He really is dying. There isn't really much time left for him, because it is the end for him. The death he seemed to have wanted so much in the simulation.

Hinata wouldn't even have honored his promises. He wouldn't have turned Komaeda into the person he once was, he wouldn't even have understood the other. There is no progress, nothing, no conversations, not even the slightest of hope. It is _**unbearable**_. 

"I'll... see you tomorrow" Hinata said as a goodbye, fleeing the gloomy atmosphere of the hospital that reeked of death to meet up with his lively friends and go back to his life.

He learnt too late in the afternoon, the following day, that Komaeda's organs were failing and despite his growing urge to just lock himself in his cottage to grieve somebody he'd already lost without ever really knowing him, he went to see the luckster for the last time.

The rushed apology he got before Komaeda's eyes went glassy and he was taken outside as there was nothing inside anymore made him feel bitter for a reason he couldn't fathom. The loss left him sour for a while. Until he stopped grieving to move on, and give up definitely the last shred of their past. And as awful as it might be to just forget about Komaeda, it was for the best. Komaeda was dead. He wasn't part of his life anymore, and had never been in fact.

"No. I'm not the same anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OF COURSE ANGST. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT AHHAHAHAHA BRUH-CHAN IS UP AGAIN FOR ALMOST CHRISTMAS ANGST.


End file.
